Did you happen to catch the 60th Annual Emmy Awards the other night? We all learned something that night. We learned that having five reality show hosts as emcees for the Emmys is about as entertaining as an obituary page. Let's fact it, Jeff Probst is to comedy as Don Rickles is to compliments. The amazing thing is the funniest bit on the Emmys was Josh Groban singing old t.v. theme songs. How sad is that?
I miss the days of the good Emmy shows with hosts like Johnny Carson. Those were the days before acceptance speeches were whittled down to forty-five seconds and the winner would thank everyone from the producers to the writers, from the co-stars to family members, from Hosea to Cleveland Amory, from their first grade teacher to their lucky shower cap. With acceptance speeches like that, it was no wonder the Emmy Awards would end close enough to preempt Captain Kangaroo.
I remember seeing Dick Van Dyke winning for Best Actor in a Comedy Series. I can still see the surprise look on his face when his name was called, his genuine adoration for his cast and crew as he wept through his acceptance speech and the reflection of the lights, glaring back at the camera lens, off the trophy.
That's when I decided I wanted one of those. I wanted to stand in front of my peers and knock off some well prepared, glib remarks about show business. I wanted to thank everyone under the sun for making that moment special. I even wrote my acceptance speech that night.
Unfortunately, my acting career came to an abrupt halt after an insensitive director, at a community theater audition for The Odd Couple, told me that my dramatic ability could only be compared to that of Lawrence. “Olivier?” I inquired. “No. Moe and Curly's sidekick,” was his response.
I was surprised. I thought my reading of Oscar Madison was riveting. The director agreed that “it was similar to being fastened to a girder with red, hot bolts of metal.”
As I sat in the audience and watched the performance of The Odd Couple (Billy Kunkle, the director's live-in secretary got the part of Oscar), I noticed the laughs it was getting. The rhythm that Neil Simon had going with his words was pure magic. Every line was a gem. That's when I noted that any live-in secretary could be an actor, but to be able to create these lines and such interesting characters was the true challenge.
It was then that I decided to hell with acting, I'm going to become a writer. I'm going to get my Emmy by writing a fantastic script or a popular series.
I began writing scripts for all the popular shows of the time: Murphy Brown, Home Improvement, The Wonder Years, Coach, Wings, Frasier. My aspirations soared when I got an agent interested in my work. However, my aspirations plummeted when it was discovered that my agent was jailed for Income Tax evasion and probably wouldn't be out until the "98-"99 season.
Fast forward to this year. Another year has come and gone and my mantle is still empty. Well, there's a pair of bookends without any books between them, and a ceramic bust of someone who is supposed to be Mark Twain, but looks more like Don King, however, no Emmy.
So, just in case my time to jump up with delight and weep openly at the Awards Ceremonies never comes, I would like for you to hear my acceptance speech.
First, I would start off by saying, “I'm going to avoid all the old clichés and simply say that I would like to thank the Academy, the hard working producers, actors and crew of (NAME OF SHOW TO BE FILLED IN HERE) for all their support. It's an honor just to have been nominated. To those of you who were nominated with me, I share this award with you. It's a pleasure to be nominated in such wonderfully talented company. My thanks to my mother and father for having me, my wife for encouraging me, and my agent for making bail. Receiving this award means you like me; you really, really like me.
Before I go, there is one person I would really like to thank, someone who helped me early in my career. I would like to thank the lady at the Quickie Print Copy Shop for making copies of my spec scripts to send to agents. What's that? Yes, forty-five seconds do go rather quickly, Mr. Probst. Thanks again. I love you all.”
Okay, so maybe I won't get an Emmy for best writer. So, maybe I am wasting my time trying to tackle such a competitive market. Wait! Do they give Emmys to gaffers? What is a gaffer anyway? How about best boy? That sounds like something I can do. The nominations for Best Best Boy are...
