I met him by accident. We bumped into each other as we both attempted to purchase a newspaper from a machine outside of a drugstore. Apologizing, he stepped back and let me deposit my money first. When I opened the machine, there was only one copy left. Feeling a bit guilty because he had been so polite, I offered to let him have the paper.
"No, that's okay," he said, "I'll just go inside the store and get one."
I knew he wouldn't be able to do that. "'I'm afraid they don't sell this newspaper inside. Here, take this one. I'll go buy another paper. They're all about the same."
He rebuffed my offer. "No, you keep the paper. It really doesn't make any difference to me either. I'll probably be mentioned in any newspaper anyway."
My curiosity was suddenly piqued by this strange response. "What if there aren't any newspapers left inside?" My question was asked in an attempt to buy time while I quickly tried to think of a way to discover the identity of this now intriguing stranger.
"I really don't need a newspaper," he said. "I'll just get some coffee at the lunch counter and listen to what people are saying about me."
My piqued curiosity was now peaking. I gazed intently at the man, trying so very hard to place his face. Obviously he had to be someone important, or at the very least, famous. I didn't know anyone from either category. My first thought was to ask him if he was SOMEBODY, but I realized that question would be a bit tacky. I opted for a more subtle approach, one which would continue my buying-more-time ploy.
"Well, I've got a few minutes," I said. "Let's both go get some coffee and we can share the paper. You can have whatever section you think you will be mentioned in and I'll just read another one." "Oh, I imagine there is something about me in all of the sections.'
Now my curiosity was being pushed to the limit. I had to know this guy's identity. Why would so many people be talking and writing about him? Was he an actor who I just didn't recognize because he was disguised as the nondescript little man wearing thick glasses who now stood before me? Maybe he was a powerful politician who I didn't recognize because he preferred working behind the scenes instead of appearing on Sunday morning talk shows? Perhaps he was a former guest on one of those afternoon programs that feature ex-lovers, potential lovers, or multiple lovers, all of whom are related in some way. Anyway, I decided to ditch the subtle approach.
"Excuse me. I'm rather embarrassed to ask this question, and I don't mean to be nosy, but should I know you? What is your name?"
He just smiled. "I don't exactly have a name."
That clearly was not a satisfactory answer. It just added to the mystery and my frustration. I wasn't sure if he was being evasive, or whether he was being a wise guy because he felt I was prying, which I was. In either case, I wasn't about to let it drop now. My curiosity was turning to annoyance.
"No name, huh? Well, I guess you don't have any problem with junk mail." I was making a weak attempt at humor to keep myself from grabbing this guy by his neck and choking him until he told me who in the hell he was! He just smiled again. I didn't want smiles, I wanted a name. I decided to become bolder in my questioning, but grabbing him by his neck was still a viable option.
"What is on your paychecks, since you don't have a name?"
'Paychecks? Oh, I don't work. Well, I suppose that's not exactly true. I do have a job of sorts, but I don't get paid."
"Yeah, well maybe you don't get paid because no one knows who you are! Why would you work at a job that doesn't pay anyway? You rich?" "No, I'm not rich. The fact of the matter is that I don't get paid because what I do is really quite easy. You see, my job is simply to go around saying things."
I suspected he could tell by the expression on my face that I was terribly confused by his answer. In fact, I was dumbfounded.
He confirmed my suspicion. "I can tell by the expression on your face that you are terribly confused, perhaps even dumbfounded. Actually, everyone reacts that way. Maybe I should clear things up by introducing myself. I am one of "they.""
