It's seven o'clock and 25-year-old Antonia Samson is settling down with her boyfriend Patrick for a quiet night in. Suddenly, the telephone rings and Antonia reaches across to answer it.
"Patrick, it's for you," she smiles, handing him the receiver. "It's Ronni."
Nothing strange about that scenario - until you consider the fact that Ronni is, in fact, Patrick's ex-girlfriend. And that, because Ronni is in town, Patrick decides to cancel his night in with Antonia and go and meet Ronni. Many women would find this unacceptable, but Antonia thinks it's just fine.
"I'm not worried about Patrick's relationship with Ronni," she says. "He's very loyal and I trust him completely. And, besides, Ronni has a boyfriend..."
That's not a good enough reason for some of her friends however...
"My friends think it's odd; some of them have said that they wouldn't be so cool about it. They're really suspicious - always asking me if I'm sure that nothing's going on."
But that's just it - Antonia is certain that there's nothing romantic or sexual between her man and his ex. And that's why she doesn't feel jealous. "It's not that I'm not the jealous sort," she explains. "I mean, I don't like the idea of other girls flirting with Patrick - but Ronni doesn't make me feel that way. The only reason I'd be jealous of her is because she's so pretty and has loads of nice clothes, but that's something separate and nothing to do with her friendship with Patrick. Their romance is a thing of the past and the fact that they're still good friends is a good thing as far as I can see."
Antonia also believes that she shouldn't dictate to Patrick about who he can and can't have as a friend.
"Patrick was friendly with Ronni when I met him. What right have I got to come along and tell him to end that friendship?"
She believes there are definite advantages to the way things are. "I like the fact he's got a female friend," she says. "That way, he can get another female point of view on things. She's quite sisterly and protective towards him and advises him on his problems. Very occasionally, I feel a bit insecure, but that's only if me and Patrick have had a row and I know he's talking to her about it. My main worry is that she only really gets one side of the story and that she'll see me in a bad light. But she never seems to hold anything against me, so it's my problem really."
Relate counsellor Denise Knowles, reckons that a man being friendly with his ex can be a good thing, but as long as certain rules are recognised and adhered to. She says: "Boundaries are important - all parties must realise that the ex is past rather than present or future... A friendship between ex and present partners is more likely to be successful when the ex and the present partner are men rather than women. On the whole, male friendships tend to be more about male bravado and having a drink down the pub, whereas women generally prefer to discuss intimate relationships, something which could cause jealousy and resentment to surface between an ex and present girlfriend or wife."
Psychologist and psychotherapist Dr. Petruska Clarkson agrees that some good can come from a friendship between a man and his ex-partner, but argues it may also cause problems.
"When a woman becomes friendly with her partner's ex (as with Antonia and Ronni), it may undermine the man's confidence and may even be part of a revenge pact between the women," she says. "They may "gang up" on him or engage in some secret or overtly competitive rivalry for his affection. However, since they may both have strong feelings for the same man, this could be a source of bonding between them and may even act as an important aspect of the couple's relationship. These situations both have problems and potentials."
Thirty-one-year-old Hannah Seymour sees more disadvantages than advantages to such a friendship. She believes that if she allowed her partner to see his ex, it would definitely create problems in their relationship.
"When we first met, Harry was constantly comparing me to his ex - Suzanne. He said that the circumstances in which we met were similar and that both times it was love at first sight. That narked me a bit. He had her picture on the wall for about six months after we'd met, so I put up a photo of my ex and both photos soon came down!"
Hannah realises that it's not Suzanne herself that bothers her, it was just the fact that Harry kept harping on about her.
"He's kept all her letters and loads of photos of her and I used to tell him what a sad old bugger he was. Him keeping mementos made me feel that there was more to their relationship than Harry was making out. She'd crop up in arguments all the time - I suppose I used her as ammunition. I must admit, I did feel very threatened by her: I felt I'd given up everything for Harry and was worried that he might go back to her."
When Hannah finally met Suzanne, she didn't actually feel threatened by her at all.
"She turned up to see Harry once," Hannah recounts," but he wasn't in. She seemed very nervous, so I asked her in. But she just made her excuses and left. To be honest, she was a bit of an anti-climax!"
Suzanne is still in touch with Harry - "she phones every six months or so," says Hannah - but Hannah doesn't want Harry to meet up with her.
"I just don't see the point of it," she Hannah explains. "I can't see why any man would want to stay friendly with his ex, especially if she was the one who dumped him (as was the case with Harry and Suzanne). I mean, I went out with my ex for 10 years and I have no desire whatsoever to see him."
Hannah says she's made it very plain that Harry seeing Suzanne again is out of the question. "He knows it would irritate me," she says. "He doesn't understand but is willing to go along with what I want for a quiet life. Anyway, it's not a big sacrifice to make. It's not as if he's desperate to see her, so what's the problem?"
