Prime Minister Boris Johnson stood proudly as King William proclaimed the 2012 Olympics open. All the international leaders were there. President Barak Obama looked on appreciatively, Prime Minister Putin glowed a healthy green and President Charles of Wales was at his first Olympics following the breakaway campaign that had seen Cornwall finally gain it's independence after his disgruntlement at being overlooked for succeeding his retiring mother to the throne.
Records were expected to fall after the decision by IOC President Ben Johnson to give up the battle against drugs and allow it to become part and parcel of Olympic sport. Just a week earlier, Dwain Chambers had run the 100 metres in just under 5 seconds.
Birmingham held it's breath as it prepared to hold the games due to the failure of London to complete the facilities on time. Perry Bar Greyhound Stadium wasn't quite the same, but it was there, it was full and it was ready. Rowing was to take place on the canals through Sandwell, the shooting events on the streets of Aston. Judo had been booked into local pubs across the city on Friday and Saturday nights, whilst various pools in Walsall and Wolverhampton would host the swimming.
It had to be a success following the failure of Jurgen Klinsman to get the England football team to the finals of this years European Championships and the rugby team's dismal attempts under the returning Sir Clive Woodward in the Five Nations playing a bizarre form rugby that seemed to incorporate football. Whilst they got the offside rule down to a tee, their penalty attempts were rubbish, rarely going over the bar apart from when - ironically - those recruited from the football team were taking them.
Cricket hadn't been much better, with England losing the summer's test series to Holland in a whipping of the sort that hadn't been seen since the 2011 test series against the Irish. Freddie Flintoff duly stepped down at the press conference that followed, grasping a bottle of beer and sticking two fingers up to the press.
It was a depressing state of affairs, especially as the Great British public needed sporting triumph to take their minds off their dire circumstances. Inflation was at 12.5%, despite Boris' insistence that it was still at 2.5%.
The big fuel companies made record profits, with some recording over £100 billion. Still, they insisted that it was all coming from projects in Russia and therefore couldn't lower the prices at the pumps. Sir Roger Largebank-Account made this announcement whilst informing us he needed his £35 billion bonus to keep his children in drugs.
As a reaction to these obscene profits and high fuel costs, people had taken to driving cars powered by alcohol, with pumps at pubs reporting a roaring trade.
Which was lucky, as ban on drinking beer indoors in public places had come into effect on July 1st, prompting pubs and breweries to report a nosedive in takings. Rest assured though, the evil spectrum of beer-drinkers was nearly extinguished. Speaking from Geneva in Switzerland where she had been exiled to, the head of CAMRA Phillipa Pint was defiant, but even she must know that the war is nearly lost. People can now enter a pub without risking the taste of beer infiltrating their livers.
It has also put an end to any lingering stenches of community, something that was getting dangerously in the way of rich business entrepreneurs, those gods of money who must be worshipped and put before all else.
Terrorists now have the right to hold police officers than police officers had to hold terrorists due to the PC Brigade, who quite correctly have recognised that all criminals, not just terrorists have just as much if not more rights than normal law-abiding citizens who have been getting in the way of these more blighters who have earned the right to be criminals because of their background.
The real scourge of society, drivers are now slowly being driven off the road. Why anyone thought they had the right to use these roads in a vehicle that could kill. Remember, speed kills, not actually crashing into people. Therefore, a government campaign to encourage more people to take their eyes off the road to check speedometers, speed limits and safety cameras has gathered pace. It is absolutely fine to hit people so long as you are driving under the speed limit. To back this campaign up, the government have also introduced laws to ensure more people who may or may not cause an accident are rightly locked up before they get the chance to cause one. Maybe. At the very least, it is only right we make their lives a misery and make sure they feel suitably small.
Finally, all small businesses, especially those that benefit rural communities have been successfully crushed by multi-national corporations determined to make even more millions.
But not get a successful Olympic Games up and running…
