Up and coming young QC, Angelica Rowan-Berry, decided that she'd like to test out some defense ploys. To help her in this, she called on the services of one Edward Tangerine, a former client of her father who was a solicitor. Being gifted with a silvery tongue, Angelica persuaded Edward to get himself charged under Section 5(2) of the Crime Law Act with the offense of “Wasting Police Time.”
To remove any doubts he may have had, Angelica assured Edward that he would not be found guilty. The particular circumstances resulting in this charge are unimportant, so we can dispense with them and concentrate on the events that occurred during the trial. We begin with extracts of Rowan-Berry's cross-examination of the main witness for the prosecution, Detective Inspector Goosegog.
ROWAN-BERRY: Detective Inspector, would you agree that the deliberate reporting of a false crime in order to waste police time is, in itself, a genuine offense.
GOOSEGOG: Yes.
ROWAN-BERRY: I see. And being an offence you are therefore obliged to investigate it?
GOOSEGOG: That's right.
ROWAN-BERRY: So one could argue that the time spent on this matter has not been wasted because it has led to a prosecution.
JUDGE: I think I can see what you're getting at. However, in this instance it is merely the time the police spent dealing with the false crime that was being wasted.
ROWAN-BERRY: I don't wish to labor the point, Your Honor, but to me it seems logical to assume that the investigation of the false crime would have been a total waste of time if nothing positive had come out of it. But something positive did come out of it. They discovered that an offense of wasting police time been committed. Yet they charged my client with wasting their time. But it wasn't wasted if it eventually led to a prosecution.
JUDGE: It was wasted mounting an operation for a bank robbery that turned out to be a figment of your client's imagination.
ROWAN-BERRY: But the charge he is facing now is somewhat ambiguous. It relates to wasting police time. Does this mean that all the time they spent on this case was wasted? Because if it was, why bother charging my client?
At this point the Judge adjourned the proceedings and ordered the two QC's to report to his chambers. As they entered the Judge seated himself behind his desk and turned to Angelica.
'I'd like Counsel for the Defence to explain her argument.'
'It's really quite simple, Your Honor,' Angelica replied. "My client is charged with wasting police time. Yet I've demonstrated that their time wasn't wasted because it ended with my client being charged with an offense.'
At this Mr Watermelon, Counsel for the Prosecution, raised his first objection. "My Learned Friend is twisting words," he said. "The police would not have had to charge her client if he hadn't given them false information. Therefore he's the one responsible. Her client didn't have to commit this offense. If he'd kept his mouth shut the police could have been concentrating on other matters.'
'By that argument,' countered Angelica, "John Smith didn't have to steal that car and Mary Muggins didn't have to go shoplifting. If they hadn't then the police could have been concentrating on other matters. Are we now saying John Smith and Mary Muggins should also be charged with wasting police time? Of course not. My argument is a simple one: Discovering, by whatever legitimate route, that an indictable offence may have been committed cannot be considered a waste of police time. Because that is precisely what the police are paid to do. And that is precisely what they did in this case.'
Watermelon raised a finger in the air. "Yes," he said triumphantly, "they discovered that your client had wasted their time."
Angelica shook her head. "The time it took them to make that discovery wasn't wasted because it led to a prosecution. So precisely what amount of time was wasted?'
At this point the Judge broke in. "It was the time they spent mounting the operation before they discovered your client"s information was false.'
'But they needed to do that, Your Honor,' Angelica explained, "in order to discover that it was false. Far from being wasted, the amount of time we"re talking about was absolutely necessary in order to establish the facts.'
'Your Honor,' protested Counsel for the Prosecution. "My Learned Friend"s example of John Smith and Mary Muggins is nothing more than an attempt to muddy the waters. Taking and driving away a motor vehicle and shoplifting cannot be considered a waste of police time. Why? Because we're talking about real crimes, not imaginary ones.
