Madonna decides to adopt an entire country in Africa and boldly names each and every child after herself. Angelina Jolie soon follows.
Lance Armstrong's remaining testicle decides to retire and then crawls up his butt stating it would benefit Lance by making his crotch more aerodynamic.
After finishing her Tour de Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston finally realizes she is lesbian.
After years and years of civil war, the terrorists in the Middle East finally conclude just how worthless they are and command the United States(via Al Jazeera tv) to nuke the entire region and then pilfer the remaining oil barrels. The U.S. Government agrees and swiftly orders the detonation.
After Acting in nearly every film role possible, Jim Carrey tells the public(sarcastically) that he is not, nor ever was "talented". After hearing this the public sentences him to Death by lynching.
After being turned down by every gay in Hollywood, Perez Hilton commits suicide(The story is printed on pg. 87 of The Los Angeles Times, right after the funnies).
The East coast/West coast rap feud extends to the North & Dirty South y'all.
Amidst yet another chaotic election with faulty voting machines in Florida, George W. Bush is elected for a third term by only a slight margin.
In a bizarre yet seemingly warranted turn of events, Dick Cheney is accidentally shot in the face by Sarah Palin during an Alaskan hunting trip a week before she and John McCain were to be elected Office.
Desperate for his 15 minutes after an unsuccessful MMA career, a Michigan native trumps school shootings by opening fire during a movie premiere.
Another low-quality sextape surfaces this time featuring actress Lindsay Lohan and DJ Samantha Ronson. Subsequently, a new clause is added to the Constitution abolishing gay marriage.
California adopts a new law sentencing all hackers to life in prison; 45% of the population is then incarcerated.
Benicio del Toro wins Best Actor Oscar.
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake get married and take up residence at Disneyland; ticket- sales skyrocket.
Emile Hirsch finally receives due recognition for being a "no-talent hack".
Kobe Bryant leads the 'Lakers' to another Championship.
Jessica Simpson receives an award for being "Hollywood's Dimmest Blonde". She thanks God and her lack of brain cells.
The 'Tampa Bay Buccaneers' win the Super Bowl.
The thick-rimmed dark glasses trend goes the way of the pager.
Floyd Mayweather comes out of retirement to fight Manny Pacquiao in a welterweight super-fight.
'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' wins Best Picture Oscar.
The ever adorable Zac Effron "acts" in another movie carrying the same expression the entire time.
Elvis Presley is found alive and living at an undisclosed location somewhere in South America.
After a dismal year in box-office sales; a handsome and brilliant, warm-blooded upstart is given the task of rewakening Hollywood.
