After years of secrecy, the government of the United States of America has donated the diary of George W. Bush to the National Archives. These insights into the mind of the former president turn out to be completely predictable, to say the least. Printed below is an excerpt from the diary of George W. Bush
0600 Wake up now. Now have to wait half an hour before Laura wakes up and tells me what to do.
0630 Laura wakes up and tells me to go to the bathroom. Apparently I have to brush my teeth with toothpaste and wash my face with soap. Wash with soap, brush with toothpaste. Wash with soap, brush with toothpaste. Wash with toothpaste, brush with soap. Heck, this bar of toothpaste tastes mighty bad.
0645 Grab the newspaper and sit down to breakfast. Read all the comics in less than 15 minutes. Even the boring political one which appears on the opinion page. Come to think of it, that funny looking guy in the Stetson looks just like me.
0715 What's-his-name turns up with a report from the CIA. CIA…. Isn't that the baseball league, I ask. He ignores me and says that Osama Bin Laden has been spotted in Afghanistan. Osama who? The guy with the beard, he says. Oh, him…. Well, then -Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war!
0745 I receive another report at my desk. Iran's president just called another holocaust denial conference. Didn't we execute that guy already? Dick says that was the president of Iraq, not Iran. I take his word for it and have one of the 19 year old interns type out a retaliatory statement. Condi says that those guys make more sense than I do.
0830 Meet the Miami Heat in my office. Everyone takes photos as Shaq hands me an autographed basketball. I tell him that I want to be a pro-basketball player once I grow up.
He doesn't believe that is possible. “What, don't you think that I play pro-basketball?” “No, sir. I don't think you can grow up.”
0930 I have to attend a World War II memorial service. I get to ride in the big car. The service was really boring. If I was president back then, I would have never allowed the unionists and confederates to go to war.
1100 I am back in the office. Some publisher just called. He's asking me whether I want to endorse the sequel to "My Pet Goat". Condi advises me not to, so I don't.
1130 Apparently everything I said in the last one week has been savagely criticized by the democrats. I spend lunch eating humble pie.
1200 I watch TV. Since we no longer get nickelodeon, I watch Fox News. I always watch Fox News when I am tense, because these guys provide such a good ego massage. Today, they have announced the $10 million "Fox News Fair & Balanced Shrine to George W. Bush". At least these people don't misunderestimate me.
1300 Wait a minute. The time goes to 1300? I get Condi to order a new clock. Ours only got 12 numbers on it.
1315 I get to ride in the big car again. Now I have to speak at an NRA convention. I tell everyone there how useful guns are to cut down the crime rates and some other nonsense which I don't believe in myself. Everyone knows that we keep guns because we want to the toughest guy in the neighborhood. This is my favorite part of the job- preaching to the congregation.
1345 Dick shoots one of his friends on a duck hunting trip, so my speech to the NRA gets more than it's due criticism from the press.
1500 I play a round of golf with Governor Schwarzenegger. We discuss the potential of having an action figure based on myself, since he is an expert in that field. I insist on Kung-fu grip and world-dominating action. He says he'll look into it.
1600 Blair calls. We talk for half an hour. I speak first on the situation in Iraq. He says something back which I don't really understand. His French accent gives me a headache, really.
1630 I call up dad. He rants for an hour on how I should not give up and why my foreign policy is best for the situation in Iraq and Afghanistan.
1730 I have to address a press conference. I repeat exactly what Dad told me over the phone.
1900 We go to a charity fundraiser. I try to count all the famous people in there. I am expected to give yet another speech. I recycle the same speech I've been using at all my social engagements for the last 12 months and hope nobody notices. They don't.
2100 Dinner time! Since I've already eaten at the fundraiser, so I ask for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I get a sandwich with enough garnishes to cost the taxpayer a small fortune. The chef calls it sandwich au beurre de cacahuètes et confiture. It still tastes like a peanut butter sandwich though.
2130 Sleepy time! Laura says something about me being a regular Mr. Action. I didn't really pay much attention and ask her to switch off the lights.
