Since at least the 1950's, most people have recognized that one of the fundamental differences between liberalism and conservatives (or at least the ways in which we typically apply such labels) is that liberalism is cool, while conservatism is square.
The easiest explanation for this is that as far as teenage perceptions go, liberalism is synonymous with the trifecta of hipness, known to everyone else as sex, drugs and rock and roll. Being that conservatives couldn't really able to come up with a comparably enticing answer short of abstinence, temperance and Pat Boone, they have long suffered at commanding a strong contingent of young voters.
Granted, I know that this isn't completely the case. Plenty of Republicans like screwing, snorting and rocking just as much as any Democrat, just like there are Democrats who find these things repellant (hey, who said Lieberman?). All I'm saying is that for the most part, 20-something Republicans typically manifest themselves either as popped-collar yuppies or hippie-hating College Republicans that like to play dress-up, and neither flavor comes within a mile of impeaching the cool of anyone who's ever taken a bong hit while watching The Daily Show.
Most Red Staters at this point have resigned themselves to the idea that their lifestyle of Jesus and Pro-Life Rallies will always be hopelessly square. However, hold tight guys, Daniel Coleslaw is here to help.
If you guys trust me, I promise that I can give you what you've always wanted: the power to turn the youth of America away from the path of midnight acid-fueled Marxism discussions at Denny's and to come back to the Moral Majority. Yes, I believe it is possible to create a generation of conservative hipsters, here's how.
The Tom Wolfe Template
First of all, your college Republican needs a role model, and there couldn't be much of a better one than Mr. Tom Wolfe:
Now, pinko scumbag as I am, even I cannot refute that Tom Wolfe is totally goddamn boss. First, notice the trademark white suit. Notice the difference from the "Sunday Best" uniform most of your ilk parades around in? Where duds like those are lame in the most ugly, conformist way, Mr. Wolfe here manages to look both classy and cool. In addition to this, he has written many works that no one can impeach, from The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, to The Bonfire of The Vanities, which was serialized in no less a liberal rag than Rolling Stone. And this is a man who has repeatedly expressed his public adoration of George W. Bush. Take heart conservatives, liberals may have Kurt Vonnegut, but you have TW, now start learning a few things from him.
Play the Libertarian Card
The easiest way to turn Neoconservatism into something more attractive is to profess some semblance of Liberatarian beliefs. Liberals do the same thing by playing the Socialism Card. You don't have to be a real Libertarian, after all, your liberal counterparts usually think that socialism is having an Anti-Bush bumper sticker and occasionally blogging about raising the minimum wage (and most of them voted for John Kerry, who no one but the most clueless politico would label a Socialist ,with a platform on par with Sweden or the Netherlands). Most people who label themselves Libertarians rarely vote for actual Libertarian candidates if a Republican is in the race anyway.
Beat Liberals at the Music Game
One of the easiest ways to be hip is to beat Liberals on their own turf: music. Formulate a near-encyclopedic knowledge of revered indie bands with no real political leanings, such as Pavement or Sufjan Stevens. Also, take a keen interest in bands that don't have lyrics, or lyrics in English, such as Godspeed! You Black Emperor or Sigur Rós. Finally, one of the best tricks is to take leftist political bands and assert that they are actually conservative. After all, one of the games that college radio kids love to play is who can over-analyze the most, so if you can present a convincing case for the disguised Bush-love of indie sacred cows, then you will have them speechless and dumbfounded. So, practice this in front of the mirror "It's like Radiohead doesn't even notice how blatantly conservative they are, and don't get me started on The Decemberists".
Attack The Inner-Squareness of Liberals
Though they are loath to admit it, there is a lot of squareness about your average College Democrat. If they even so much suggest that your Conservatism isn't completely bitching, cut them down with a quick remark like "I guess I just don't see a lot of allure in jerking off to West Wing reruns". It's crucial that you always attack their lifestyle rather than defend your own. If they call you a lover of big-business, attack their working class credentials, because most of them are upper-class enough where they can afford to buy overpriced clothes at small-businesses instead of being caught dead among the common people they profess to support at the Blue Light Special section in K-Mart.
So there you go Conservatives, I hope this has been informative. Though as a final word of advice, perhaps you shouldn't take what I say seriously, given that I am actually desperately uncool.
