I hate trends. I am a self confessed devil's advocate of trendiness, and I am always right. Until I am proven wrong. In another era I would have said that Rock & Roll was just a fad, that it would soon pass away into oblivion. Now, I will happily concede that it probably had some minor merit in the smaller scheme of things.
'nuff said…
“I am a gay man in my 30's looking for a car loan.”
Why the hell do gays have to identify their sexuality in every encounter?
“Sure, Son. We have special loans for guys like you, lower interest rates, more convenient repayments-”
How about we have a TV show and call it Straight Eye for the Queer Guy. Come on, we could take a gay guy, buy him some K-MART t-shirts, some work-boots, get him a crew cut, take him to a speech therapist to remove the lisp…
And speaking of lisps, do they have to practice that?
About time the Sydney City Council got behind a hetero mardi gras isn't it? All us straight guys could parade down the street wearing our Blunstone boots and King Gee pants, our female partners by our sides, wearing their Target frocks.
And lesbians! What's all this girl-on-girl crap? Maybe I'm a weirdo but when I see a pretty girl there is a switch in my primordial wiring, below the level of consciousness even, that says "she might go to bed with me". Now this might be ridiculous and sound awfully pubescent, but whether or not such a thought actually occurs is a moot point.
The point is that when I see a pretty girl my genetic coding does not transmit the notion; now there's a pretty girl. I hope she's a lesbian and can therefore crush any hopes no matter how subliminal.
All I see is one less potential mate in the gene pool.
At this point I have to point out that my beef is not with the gay and lesbian community but with the trendiness of it all. TV producers have hungrily sucked the blood from the trendy cash cow that is public gay worship. As have the print, radio and merchandisers. If the marketing trend follows suit we can next expect Extra-Gay and Deluxe-Lesbian on the leader-boards. Perhaps with time we can expect a free burger and fries with our upgrades. I can almost see Gay Hotdogs on the menu at Muckdonalds.
The most pathetic thing is the way the public have bought into this. There are people who are choosing their friends not on personal qualities of plain old likeability, but on sexuality. This does everyone a disservice.
A woman showing me some photos recently gave the little commentary on each one as people do: “This is Paul, my brother, he's a mechanic, and Jill, she's a nurse, and this is David - he's my gay friend.”
Huh? He's my pet, my poodle, my goldfish…
Odd that there was no mention of the sexuality of Paul or Jill. Maybe Paul and Jill practice some unmentionable stuff that has yet to become a trend. Gerklesexuals perhaps.
Odd how there was the assumption that I would be remotely interested in David's sexuality. In the photo he was sitting astride a Harley and being a bike lover I was far more interested in his motorcycling preferences. Besides, everyone knows that gays of the popular media don't ride Harleys. Therefore the photo had to be a fake, or the comment a lie to bolster the woman's ego.
Odd that David did not have a profession. Unless he was a professional Gay - an occupation that must pay particularly well because Harleys are expensive. He could of course be one of the Trendy Gays who have jumped on the endorsement bandwagon. This seems unlikely though as he was not particularly handsome and was carrying a little extra weight…Trends, of course, are conditional.
- Condition 1. TV gays and lesbians are always perfect specimens: this is because everyone knows that overweight and/or ugly people don't experience sexual proclivities outside of the mainstream.
- Condition 2. If you are poor it is a depravity, if you are rich it is a sophistication: TV gays and lesbians are always well off, therefore they are sophisticated. The public want sophistication. It is always trendy.
- Condition 3. TV gays and lesbians are always in high powered jobs: this is trendy. When did you last see a sitcom about a gay garbage collector or a lesbian checkout operator?
- Condition 4. High profile gays and lesbians have to be seen to be seducing innocent heterosexuals: this is a trend within a trend. Why else would a person seduce someone of a different sexual orientation? When did you last hear of a high profile hetero running around seducing gays (and making sure the cameras were snapping at the time)?
- Condition 5. TV gays and lesbians never suffer from painful singledom: couldn't have the gay life portrayed as the lonely struggle that it often is. Heterosexual singles suffer loneliness too but TV heteros always have an abundance of potential lovers in the waiting.
- Condition 6. Gays have a more cultured social life: they never sit around alone on a Friday night when there are operas to attend, a friend is opening an art gallery, another friend, an 18 year old playwright wannabe, is opening his first literary effort - on Broadway, naturally. There are wine tastings to attend (another friend owns the vineyard), concerts, parties, cocktails, advertising executives to entertain (see condition 3), rollerblading and indoor skiing (see condition 7 for more on this).
- Condition 7. Gays cannot be seen indulging in popular activities: surfboards and fishing rods are out. See condition 6.
And around and around it goes. I'm sure we could all add to this list.
Isn't it time the worm turned? In the interests of political correctness (which I'm sure you can tell I am a stickler for), and just plain equality, how about reducing the presence of gays in TV and advertising so that their number is an accurate and fair representation of the community. There are simply not that many gays and lesbians in the world!
But that wouldn't be trendy, would it?
So how about some heteros eating bok choy.
Hetero men do know how to dress and we do not require the services of a gay to show us.
It is okay to introduce me as "Harry, my heterosexual friend." Maybe it could even become trendy to not regard a person's sexuality. 'This is Harry, my friend' would do.
“Hi, I am a heterosexual man in my 30s looking for a car loan”
“Sure, Son, have we got the deal for you….”
