A report coming out of Indiana early this morning said that the Little League Chesterton Yankees are close to signing embattled baseball superstar Barry Bonds.
When asked how Bonds could possibly pass for a twelve year old, team doctor Arnold Fritzbaum, who gave Bonds a physical before negotiations began, said Bonds can pass for a twelve year old or even younger if league officials look at his phallic area. “Apparently one of steroids side effects is severe shrinkage. One potential problem could end up being how Bonds reacts to being in a male locker room where he is, in some regards, the smallest” said Fritzbaum vaguely.
Chesterton's main competition for Bond's services came from the St. Luke's boys choir. According to director Daniel O'Connor, “I haven't heard a male soprano with such a high voice since the eunuch Wei Zhongxian.” Unfortunately their offer of eternal life in heaven was rejected in favor of Chesterton's incentive: “the cream.”
“We take the kids out for ice cream after every game, win or lose,” said manager Chet Conway. “Bonds seemed remarkably excited as soon as I said the word cream, but that's not really unusual, I mean, who doesn't love ice cream?”
Current Chesterton star hitter, little Johnny Smith, is excited about the potential move. “We all know that Bonds will have a tough adjustment to make coming from the National League to our Little League, but all he has to do is protect me in the lineup. We know he won't be able to put up the same numbers as in the National League, but if he can protect me, I think we have a good title shot.”
So while everyone in the world screams, “Say it ain't so Barry. Please just go away,” Bonds continues to persevere and hopes to one day contribute to a championship team.
