Washington, D.C.
The lead researcher at the National Archives spoke to Un-News today on the condition of anonymity and said that two new pages have been found of the original Constitution.
“They were stuck together. During the last cleaning and restoration process we pulled these other pages off the back. At first we didn't know what we had, but clearly, we had something.” Dr. George Windsor stated in a phone interview.
These two new pages clearly show that President Bush has been right all along. The first of these new found documents clearly shows that it was the express intent of the Founders that in the case of national emergency the President should become the de facto monarch of the United States. In fact, these two new documents expressively give the President the authority to conduct wire-taps without judicial oversight, imprison enemy combatants without charging them with a crime, allows the CIA to operate clandestine prisons and gives the Federal government the express authority to suspend any of the other rights guaranteed in the rest of the Constitution.
Further, all Federal courts were stripped of jurisdiction and the ability to hear suits against the Federal government. Interestingly, this power was expressly given to the office of the Vice-President.
“Frankly, we were stunned at the foresight of the Founders. We didn't know that they even knew about wire-tapping and rendition back then.” Dr. Charles Ingram Altherton said when commenting on the new find.
In the new documents, Congress is also regulated in such a way that if the President sends troops to an undeclared war, Congress can not interfere in any way, up to and including cutting funding. However, the new documents also make clear that Congress must put on a show of doing so for the benefit of the American press.
“Basically, what the President asks for, he gets. It's really very clear, based upon this new documentation. Which is what we've been saying all along.” Said former Republican Congressman Will Itend.
Democrats and conspiracy theorists are crying foul, but the office of the Vice-President has restricted access to the new found documents to specially selected members of the Vice-Presidential office. When contacted for comment the Vice-President said, “Wahh. Waah, wahh, wahhhh!!” Which, when translated into English is unprintable.
