Grand Palace, Hell - Plans to return to the surface of Earth and reign supreme by The Fallen Angel have been put on hold, announced Hell's Chief Press Secretary Valafar this morning. In a brief statement, The Underworld stated simply that The Morning Star had recently been overbooked with the recent Torture Week celebration, and that he was far behind in his paperwork.
“The fact is,” Valafar went on to say, “that even the Price of Darkness gets off track sometimes. Let's face it. He's just simply overrun with paperwork. Have you ever applied for a mortgage? Well, imagine applying for a mortgage in Hell, and then you'll start to get the idea of how busy he is.”
While Lucifer could not be reached for immediate comment, his personal assistant Zagan assured this reporter that his master still considered his attempt bring about the events foretold in the Book of Revelations “high on his priority list.” He continued, saying, “He's bound to reschedule this, just as soon as he has the time. Now mind your own business, or I'll rip your eyeball out.”
Not everyone in Hell agrees with the official release, including Secretary of Torture Ralph, who gave us the following statement in a phone interview. “Let's think about this logically. He's the Lord of the Underworld. Everyone down here is afraid of him, and I mean everybody. We live in constant fear of what he might do to us. I'm not even entirely sure that I should be talking to you. Don't you think that he would be able to strong arm someone down here into doing his paperwork for him? It just doesn't add up.”
In response to the news conference this morning, Heaven has lowered the Armageddon Threat Level from orange to yellow. “We are doing this as a show of good faith,” said Archangel Uriel in a follow up press conference. “We have been at odds with each other for entirely too long. Hopefully, this is just the first step in a renewed effort to close the fissure that has grown between us.”
The Armageddon Threat Level, or ATL for short, was developed five years ago after Hell unleashed a surprise attack on Detroit. It is designed to convey the likelihood of the end of the world occurring. The five level system starts with green (no likelihood) and blue (low likelihood). From there it goes to yellow (marginal likelihood), orange (high likelihood), and finally red (put your head between your knees). Since its inception, the ATL has been at orange, making this a very historic day.
When asked how the decision was make the level yellow and not the lower blue, Uriel said “We are fairly certain that they have in fact delayed Satan's return to Earth, and have therefore lowered the level. We decided not to drop all the way to blue, but it is entirely possible that they are lying. They are, you know, demons. At the end of the day, they're still evil.”
