Read on my fellow homesteaders for my tale of immeasurable woe and stupidity. And I have to claim most of the responsibility. It is I who hired this exterminator, Geohole, to get rid of some ants that were hanging around my woodshed. Granted, they were just in a mound next to my woodshed but I had seen a few of them in the house and decided I had to get rid of that mound before a few more of them escaped and made their way onto the premises. Better to destroy the whole colony good ant and all then just to shut the door on the house so the few bad ones can’t get in.
But that was just the beginning of my foolishness, so follow on. Anyway this Geohole comes to the door and shows me some papers that he is the elected exterminator of our county and while most of the signatures were erased and rewritten I said ok and he could start by cutting down the mound and what would the price be for such a job. About 30 billion and I would have to supply the workers from my house because he didn’t do the work himself, just the vision that made the work go forward.
30 billion, a little pricey but I decided it was worth it for the peace of mind. Well, a week goes by and Geohole comes back with some good news and some bad. Good news is the ant mound has been cut down and now is a clump of poppy seeds and the bad news is that a large rat was in the woodshed and he would have to get the rat out of there.
Why I inquired, for that rat had been in the woodshed for quite some time and the woodshed still had wood that I could get everyday for heating the house and so on. Well, he explained that the rat had the ability to blow up the woodshed. Geohole said he had been flying by woodshed taking pictures and saw the rat at work. He also said he had talked to other rats that were banished from the woodshed and they said this king rat, Sadarat they called him, was a nasty rat and was doing exactly what the cloudy pictures showed. Ok, so I had my doubts, but he was an official exterminator and as such was skilled in these things, so I gave the go ahead. Oh, one more thing, I would supply the people as usual and the price would be 150 billion and take less than six months to catch the rat and rebuild the woodshed so that it could supply wood
150 billion and six months, a hefty price tag for one rat but again for peace of mind I went for it.
If that is the end of the story, then it would be a happy one. Yes, I would have lost a few workers but the woodshed would be safe and my house would be warm. So the workers would have to deal with their loss.
But that is where the woe and misery began, as I am 7 and ½ years into the woodshed clearing campaign as I call it, with no end in sight. Seems that that Sadarat was one big joker, puffing up his chest to keep all the other rats in line, and had only the ability to blow himself up. But ole Geohole, professional that he is, kept digging around to find just where the ratbombs were hidden. Well, in the process of rooting around he found three other ant colonies, each with it’s own queen and fire ants in charge of guarding the nest. Seems Sadarat had been feeding suniants extra food and telling them to chew on the other ants for fun.
Now this is where the story takes a strange turn. After Geohole broke into the woodshed and found Sadarat lying around I figured he would call me and say game over and then collect his 150 billion. That was about four years ago, to my recollection.
But Geohole came back with some good news and some bad news. Good news Sadarat is gone. Bad news the ants got all pissed off from rooting around the woodshed and would have to be reeducated before he could leave the woodshed.
When I inquired as to why, for these ants were not from the colony of the 7 ants that I found in the house, he replied that ants are ants and as such need reeducating. Even hillbilly ants that just hang around the nest have the potential of becoming fire ants and as such needed reeducating. But not to worry, the cost would be another 150 billion and in 6 months all the ants would toe the line just fine.
When I replied that I didn’t have such money he replied not to worry that my credit was good and my children could pay for it. That suited me fine for I am a little tired of housing my kids for free but that’s another story. And by the way, I would still supply the people but to write the check to Halaturd Inc, as they would be feeding the people while over at the shed. I didn’t know Halaturd but was assured me that it would be money well spent.
Geohole applied all his skill as a professional to reeducate the pesky ants. Rather that feeding the fire-suniants as Sadarat did, he decided he didn’t need their allegiance and to toss them out of the colony. And rather then separating the colonies he decide to keep them all together so the could be educated by each other. And feeding the ants was not to happen much at all.
But ants being what they are don’t herd very well. The fire suniants got all pissed off from no longer being the favorite ants and went on a stinging campaign. Biting and stinging other ants and the people I sent in to help. Fire ants will sting to the death so it’s added up to a lot of sting bites on the people from the house. But it’s for a good cause I guess. And the Shiants don’t like the stinging either and then they send out their fire ants to sting the Suniants and the people we sent to clean the woodshed.
And the people sent in, bless their hearts, they start with thinking they are helping clean the woodshed and end with educating the ants. Problem is they don’t know Antaraba the language of the ants. So, when the ants talk they think they are swearing at them and step on whole parts of the colony. Well, this just pisses off the ants so they send in the fireants stinging away and the whole process starts over again, again and again.
Well, here we are today, with a cost of 800 billion and 4000 less people in the house, but my children will get the bill and I can’t get too excited. They are getting a lot for their money. They really don’t need free education or housing or bridges and other pesky infrastructure; they are going to get educated ants in the woodshed. And maybe some wood out of the woodshed but so far all the fireants have chewed up the good wood.
And Geohole says that it will take some time to reeducate the ants, mostly cause we constantly make new fire ants from the language problem. But he is working on that vision. And by the way the price may be 2 trillion give or take 100 billion. Money well spent, dam kids anyway.
Gloom despair and tragedy on me Deep dark depression, excessive misery If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all Gloom despair and tragedy on me
