Atlanta, Georgia
It used to be that good grades and a decent SAT score were enough to get accepted into the college of one's choice. Sadly, today that is not the case. Extra-curricular activities, mentorships, internships, and teacher recommendations dominate the modern admissions battlefield. Their purpose is to give applicants that extra edge necessary tip the balance in their favor. Fortunately, a new piece has been added to the playing table, your soul. Due to a recent emergency conference in Atlanta between the College Board, Heaven, Hell, and numerous representatives from various colleges and universities, your soul may very well be playing a part in the college admissions process in the near future. The main goal of the conference was to decide the role a person's soul should play in the admissions process. Although plagued by controversy, the tone of the conference is fundamentally optimistic.
Hell's chief representative at the conference, Beelzebub, claims he has always been partial to the old-fashioned “selling your soul to the devil” approach when it comes to this sort of thing.
“In the past we've been quite successful with direct bargaining,” Bub stated. “We've had souls sold to us for everything from job promotions to Bee Gee's tickets. Adding college admissions to the list can only improve Hell's current profit margins.”
However, despite Hell's economically optimistic view, this idea has met stubborn opposition from Heaven. God, CEO and founder of Heaven, still the hardcore conservative on this issue, claims that a person's soul is a God-given thing and its use as a bargaining chip should be strictly prohibited.
“This is completely ridiculous,” declared an annoyed God, “first kids constantly pester me with prayers about college admissions and now they want to sell their soul for it? It's your soul we're talking about for My sakes! Without it, you'd be a heartless bastard.”
Beelzebub and Hell were quick to rebut by stating that in today's world of terrorism, corruption, and atypical apathy towards anything that is not taking place within a 20 foot radius of their current location (ie., the ever popular “it's not our problem if we ignore it” mentality); the soul's role in society has become antiquated and somewhat insignificant.
“In all fairness to God, the prospect of becoming a heartless bastard does not really faze people as much as it used to,” Bub plainly stated. “The fact of the matter is, morality does not play as great a factor as it once did in a person's decision making process. Look at the state of our society, oil companies reap enormous profits at the expense of American consumers, half of all marriages now end in divorce, and in some public schools we have to set aside 40 minutes in a politically correct waste of time commonly referred to by mortals as TA, to teach ethics. Sad, isn't it?”
Despite conflicting opinions, a compromise is in sight. Negotiations are currently underway in the hopes of reaching such a resolution. A new proposition that would have students submit their soul as part of the normal application package, instead of outright selling it, has received positive feedback from both sides of the argument.
“We think it's an excellent idea,” said College Board spokesperson Eve Applewhite. “Instead of going through the hassle of selling your soul to the devil to get into college, you can send it directly to them, cutting out the middleman.” However, due to its lack of certainty, this plan has left many students feeling uneasy. Also, an evaluation of each individual soul would take a colossal amount of paperwork, something neither of the parties is willing to undertake.
In light of this, both have decided to do a joint evaluation. Although still opposed to the popularization of soul commerce, God reluctantly compromised after Beelzebub lightheartedly reminded Him that Hell fielded a vastly superior legion of lawyers, and that an ensuing legal battle was not in the Creator's best interest. The plan calls for the soul to be evaluated by Heaven for morals and general “soulfulness”, and by the College Board for more college-type qualities, such as sleep deprivation tolerance and procrastination index.
Though the debate continues, many proponents believe that this new factor will create a more dynamic and exciting playing field. “We're curious to see how students react to this new idea,” said Applewhite. “I think the process will be especially effective in rooting out the crazy, over-achieving, workaholics, which colleges mistakenly refer to as "well-balanced people". Nevermore will students have to give up having a life just to get into college-just their soul.”
