It seems that for the past few years, the topic on everyone's mind has been Republicanism. It is a terrible symptom of the age in which we live that rumors of dread diseases are bound to spring up from time to time, and this magazine thought it only fair that we devote a special issue to addressing these concerns. What is Republicanism? How quickly does it spread? Are children at greater risk than adults? Could someone I love be infected with Republicanism without my knowledge? We hope to answer these and other questions in this article.
Republicanism is a much-misunderstood disorder. Those who suffer from it are frequently victimized twice over-first by the disease itself, and then by the social stigma attached to it. It is only natural that when a strange and inexplicable disease infects a large portion of the population, the first response of those it has spared is to isolate and fear the minority of its victims. But it must be remembered, first and foremost, that those who suffer from Republicanism cannot be held responsible for their actions, as the disease seems to render its victims incapable of rational thought and conscious decision-making. Many of our readers have also expressed fear that their children may fall victim to Republicanism. But fortunately, scientists agree that Republicanism tends to spare children, and the young generally, most often targeting angry bald white men. Women too seem to have built up a greater immunity to the disease, and a certain genetic trait in the Jewish population has spared this community the worst of its ravages. But it is not our intention to dismiss Republicanism or minimize its very real dangers. Almost everyone is in some sense at risk. However, there are certain precautions one can take to guard against the encroachment of Republicanism.
For instance:
- Avoid large homes and white picket fences.
- If at all possible, gravitate toward urban centers.
- Avoid Fox news anchors, Baptists, inexplicably pissed-off rich men, and other segments of the population which appear to be at greater risk of contracting the disease.
- Develop a strict regimen of NPR-listening and book reading.
- Finally, tell yourself on a daily basis that people everywhere have a right to live, even if they are French or Muslim.
But it will not be easy for our readers to put their fears to rest, especially since reports have come out suggesting that apparently normal people may unwittingly contract the Republican germ even before its more outlandish symptoms appear. Therefore, we have equipped our readers with twenty simple questions to ask themselves whenever they have a spare moment. If the answer to any of these questions is “Yes,” your spouse or loved one may be a Republican.
- Does (s)he feel inexpressible rage at people who prefer not to eat meat?
- Does (s)he accuse the old lady who attends Quaker meetings once a month of being a communist?
- Does (s)he think that all gay and lesbian people must have inexplicably chosen to be subject to abuse and discrimination?
- Does (s)he think The Family Circus is funny?
- Does (s)he think The Family Circus is cute?
- Can (s)he in any way stomach The Family Circus?
- SOUTHERNERS ONLY: Does (s)he maintain that the Confederate flag is a symbol of Southern heritage rather than a blood-stained rag akin to the Swastika?
- Does (s)he hate Catholics except when they're both at the pro-life rally?
- Has (s)he ever told a foreigner that “we saved your ass” in a given war?
- Has (s)he ever casually suggested “nuking” a foreign country?
- When (s)he complains about New Yorkers, does (s)he really mean Jews?
- Does (s)he feel that one can make any racist comment as long as it is followed by the words, “Mind you, I'm no racist”?
- Does (s)he feel that Martin Luther King was right about everything except for all that stuff he said?
- Does (s)he think that Darwin is at least partially responsible for earthquakes, tornadoes, hunger, poverty, and suffering?
- Does (s)he contend that abortion is murder while mentally mapping bombing campaigns in various Middle Eastern nations?
- Does (s)he argue that “feminism may have served a purpose a long time ago, but…”
- Same question, only replace “feminism” with “trade unions”.
- When (s)he argues that racial discrimination is wrong, does (s)he then insist that this does not apply to Mexican immigrants and Arab Muslims?
- Has (s)he ever held up a rifle and said “from my cold dead hands”?
- Does (s)he throw rocks at children and small animals?
