It goes without saying that this presidential election is not only the most important one in years, but perhaps ever, in the history of the selection of political leaders. Of course, choosing is hard, since all three candidates boast the things we like in a leader. Barack Obama talks about hope and change, Hillary Clinton has a lot of experience, and John McCain is a straight-talker. I mean, we know these things because they say them.
So how do you choose? They have drawbacks of course (Obama lacks experience, Hillary isn't always a straight-talker and John McCain doesn't talk about hope or change), so how can we pull together all of these facts and make a reasoned decision about who should be allowed into the Oval Office?
We can bring up the old deal-breakers that really prove that someone is fit to command the world's largest nuclear arsenal (who can you have a beer with?) or capable of fixing our plummeting economy (who seems cold?), but in the end, they may not really answer the question.
That is why I propose a new question that should answer it once and for all: which candidate would you rather burn down an orphanage with? I mean, it's hard to come up with a more relevant query than this.
Take Hillary. Since she says she has experience, this means she most likely has experience in everything, including torching orphanages to the ground just for the fun of it. You know that she'll think of everything, like making sure that you board up the exits to prevent escape and do it at night to ensure that the orphans won't know what's going on until its too late. She even released that ad that ensured us that she would be ready for anything if we called her at 3am!
Obama, however, may not be the best choice when it comes to turning a bastard depository into a blazing firetrap. He can talk about hope and change, but we need more concrete platitudes when it comes to an effort like this. I mean, you can say “I hope they can't access their fire extinguishers”, but a real leader knows to remove them before you even start pouring the gas. Also, since Obama is an undeniable elitist, he'd probably ruin the moment by bringing up pompous literary references. You know, like “their terrified screams remind me of this passage from In Search of Lost Time”.
But how about McCain? Well he's a Vietnam Vet, so we know he has no problem with killing scores of Asian Communists, so it's safe to assume that he'd know exactly how to get the job done when it comes to ending the miserable lives of parentless children by immolating their bodies in the night. Hell, he'd probably have some great ideas, like dusting the fire escapes with Agent Orange, and blasting Wagner just to spook the kids even more in their final, hellish minutes of life.
Anyway, I hope this has been helpful in your decision for November. This is an important election, after all, and it goes without saying that we don't want it to be settled on the basis of tawdry criteria like voting records or something.
Happy Voting!
