1. Feed the Whole of Africa's Starving Population

There are around about 290 million people classed as poor in the African Continent. An estimated 36.2% of the population in Africa are living on under $1 a day and about 25,000 African's die per day from starvation. The $700,000,000,000 could give each of Africa's poor $2414 to not only provide them with ample amounts of food, but also education, farm and crop resources, and stability. Makes you think.



2. Give Each US Citizen A Lump Sum

On September 30th 2008 the US population is estimated to be at 305,296,411. The 700 billion dollars could be split up to provide each person with $2293 dollars, enough to catch up with missed mortgage payments for two months. Taking into account the number of people without a mortgage including children, students, and retirees, the amount could be significantly increased.



3. Buy New Zealand % Times Over

The GDP (Gross Domestic Product) of New Zealand which essentially translates to the total market value of the country is $128 billion dollars. Not taking into account the value of the land of the entire country which would be very hard to estimate, then you could buy the country of New Zealand 5 times leaving enough to buy another small pacific island if you so wished.



4. Pay Kobe and LeBron's Entire Salary 19,000 Times

According to hoopshype.com, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, the two most recognisable players in the NBA earn a combined $35,673,081 per year. That means you could pay those players salaries for 19,623 years. If only they lived that long.



5. Buy The World's Most Expensive Car 411,764 Times

The Bugatti Veyron manufactured by Volkswagon subsidiary Bugatti Automobiles, has a top speed of 253mph and is worth a cool $1.7 mill. You can buy one for each person in the country of Malta and still have some chump change to fill them all with gas.



6. Eat the World's Most Expensive Steak

At around $2800 for a “103” rib eye steak, you might be forgiven for thinking it was golden. It's not however; it's a Japanese Wagyu steak which was served at New York's Craftsteak restaurant. If you had $700,000,000,000 you could rollup to Craftsteak in your Bugatti Veyron and buy 250,000,000 of these cooked to your liking. Well maybe not quite this many if you have already bought the car!



7. Film Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End 2333 Times

To date the world's most expensive movie ever made Pirates of the Carribean: At Worlds End cost $300,000,000 to produce. If you so desired, you could film this again and again and again. Captain Jack Sparrow would have no need to continue piracy with that amount of loot and plunder.



8. Holiday In Space With Richard Branson

With 700 billion dollars, Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic could send an army of tourists to the International Space Station for the holidays. Costing 20 million dollars per person, Branson would have 35,000 for Christmas dinner. That's a lot of turkey.



9. Buy Google, Facebook, and StumbleUpon

Google $157,000,000,000, Facebook $15,000,000,000, StumbleUpon $50,000,000. With just a quick email or phone call, you could be the proud owner of all three of these popular internet sites. You would be able to Google your own worth on your own search engine, set up a Facebook group named "The 15 billion Dollar Buy Out of Facebook Appreciation Society", and give the thumbs up to both of these sites on your very own social book marking site. In fact you might as well give Bill Gates a call and buy all of his assets no questions asked.



10. Save the World's Economy!

That's the most important thing right? But what happens if it doesn't work?

To make house-buying possible for peasants who couldn’t really afford it, George and his Merry Band of Ministers knew they’d have to change the way that loans are issued to home buyers. In the old days, if you wanted to buy real estate, you’d go to your local bank and deal with a bunch of stuffy bankers. They’d ask tedious questions about how much money you made, and they cared about how much money you made because they were the ones issuing the loans. So if you defaulted on your mortgage, they’d be the ones left holding the bag.

How Deregulation Works

In 1999, George and his merry men convinced our legislators to eliminate most of the functioning remnants of the Glass-Steagall Act, a law passed after the Great Depression to prevent the stuffy neighborhood bankers from acting like Wall Street investment bankers. Investment bankers’ creative approach to other people’s money - and their remarkable ability to sell things that don’t really exist--contributed to a huge economic crash-and burn in your great-great grandparents’ time. With the Glass-Steagall Act out of the way, these investment bankers were once again free to have at it with the mortgages. The Wall Street wizards devised any number of ingenious loans so the hoi polloi could buy their own rose-covered cottages– a lot of which offered cheap mortgage payments for the first few years, until wham! the interest rate skyrocketed. For a while, it was as ridiculously easy to refinance your home loan as it was to get the original mortgage. You’d make a phone call, or visit a website, tell someone that you made $80,000 a year punching holes in doughnuts, and voila! You had a brand new home loan. Eventually, with all this credit extended to the most unlikely candidates, lenders everywhere started running out of money. And the poor peasants defaulted on their mortgages or refinance loans, and they were out on the street without a shekel to show for their investment.

Well, this tidal wave of house foreclosures and lenders going belly up was no skin off the investment bankers’ backs. After all, they’re the smartest guys in the room. So they’d sold off those loans for obscene profits to other lenders, long before the loans – predictably enough—went bad.  And, while some of the culpable investment bankers may have to sell a castle or two in the Hamptons, you won’t see them selling pencils on the corner any time soon. Well, a few of their unfortunate children will now have to tough it out in New York City’s public schools. But don’t waste too much pity on the smart guys: a good many of them have been salting away more money than you can imagine for years.

The Power of a Really Great Suit, or How Everyone Could Be So Stupid

I see a few puzzled looks out there, and I’m guessing you children are wondering how our lawmakers got suckered into allowing such a disastrous loan scheme. One answer is that the average American has the attention span of a fruit fly. We don’t read much history, and while most adults were forced to study the economic factors that led to the Great Depression at least once in school, most of them happily forgot about that as soon as the history test was over. In fact, we don’t read much, period. If we did, we might have compared the modest salaries of European CEOs who run successful corporations to the multiple millions that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac CEOs earned for making financially catastrophic decisions, and we would have asked some pointed questions It’s also true that people tend to listen to people in really expensive suits with Ivy League degrees, and the investment bankers had both. And then, a lot of people who dealt with these very smart guys were afraid to say out loud that they didn’t understand how these loans would ultimately be any less disastrous than any other pyramid scheme. They didn’t want to look like the only dolt in the room who couldn’t grasp the subtler nuances of high finance. If you read “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” you’ve got a good idea of the dynamic at work here.

The irony here, kids, is that the king and his merry men who somehow bamboozled all of us into total market deregulation said that capitalism functions best in an absolutely unrestrained market. They wanted to give the Wall Street wizards ample space to work their magic, so that the riches they created up there in their penthouse office suites would trickle down to the huddled masses below. But now that this wizardry has created an economic meltdown of epic proportions, they want the citizenry to lend the wizards close to a trillion dollars. How does that jibe with free market capitalism, you ask? Good question –one you might want to ask King George.

Thanks for Picking up the Tab, Peasants

What this economic crisis means immediately for the average peasant is that borrowing money for necessary things like cars will be more expensive, and their credit card interest rates will go up. That’s the way supply-side economics work: the smaller the quantity of a given commodity like money to borrow becomes, the more expensive it becomes. A whole lot more commoners can also expect to join the already-numerous ranks of the unemployed. That’s why your poor parents may need a little kindness right now, children. If they’re curled up in a fetal position on the floor, throw an afghan over them. Make them some tapioca pudding, and lose the TV remote: they don’t need to know what the Dow Jones average is right now.

The impact of lending the Wall Street wizards close to a trillion dollars is going to have a depressing wet blanket effect for a long, long time. How many of you think you’ll need loans for college when you go? Well, good luck with that. And many years from now, when your parents are bent and gray, don’t be surprised if they’re knocking at your back door begging for a crust of bread now and again. What with dwindling government funds for Social Security and their plundered retirement funds, their Golden Years won’t be looking so golden. That fat load of money to shore up Wall Street had to come from somewhere, right?

Moral: If you wear really expensive suits, graduate from an Ivy League school, and talk fast enough, you can fool a whole lot of people into forgetting what little they knew about economics in the first place.

Image Source

Since they started it, let's take this time to look at the meanings and origins of 6 funny sayings involving pigs.

"Lipstick on a pig"

Meaning:  The act of trying to make someone or something unattractive more appealing to others even though it will obviously remain unattractive.
Origin:  There has been similar sayings to this tracked back as far as 300 years with the similar saying "making a silk purse out of a sow's ear".  The exact phrase itself "lipstick on a pig" has been tracked in newspaper articles to as early as 1955 when a representative of Colorado called overhauls to child-support amendments cosmetic... "It's like putting lipstick on a pig.  When you're through, it's still a pig".  Similar sayings include:  "lipstick on a donkey" and "lipstick on a frog".

"Pig in a poke"

Meaning:  An offer or deal that is accepted foolishly without being examined.
Origin:  The earliest example of this saying that has been found is in Richard Hill's Common Place Book from 1530, which gave this advice to market traders: "When ye proffer the pigge open the poke."  This makes no sense until you realize that a poke is a small bag and is the origin of the word pocket.  I guess that a piglet could be carried perfectly in such a small bag.  When you buy something you should make sure it's what you wanted to buy and not just a pig.

"Pearls before Swine"

Meaning:  A high quality item which is offered to someone who cannot appreciate it.
Origin:  The earliest example of this saying is in the King James Bible:  "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet".  If you offer something of high value  to someone who is uncultured they will surely ruin it.

"Pig's Ear"

Meaning:  There are two distinctly different meanings of this term.  The first is cockney rhyming slang for beer.  The second meaning is a mess or muddle.
Origin:  The earliest origin is from the cockney rhyming slang.  From W. Barrett's Book Life and Work Among Navvies in 1880:  "Now, Jack, I'm goin' to get a tiddley wink of pig's ear."  I'm not sure what the tiddley wink is referring to but he's definitely telling Jack he's going to get a beer.

"Pig and Whistle"

Meaning:  Pub.  It's a common name for British or British-style pubs.
Origin:  Has been found as early as 1794 to refer to going to pigs and whistles meaning falling to ruin.  In the Scottish poem Har'st Rig: "For he to pygs and whistles went, And left the land."  A "pig" has also been known to mean an earthen ware pot or pitcher.  There's a pig and whistle in the city I live in.  Theme bars have appropriate the name world wide.

"High on the Hog"

Meaning:  Affluent or luxurious.
Origin:  The earliest use of this is from Henry Louis Mencken in 1941 in the Nevada State Journal:  "There was the customary amount of tear-shedding over business, but certain shows prospered. Among those still eating high on the hog - to filch a dandy from Mr. Mencken - are 'Sons of Fun', Let's Face It'..."  Eating high on the hog means doing very well.

John Knows Georgia

Senator McCain is intimately familiar with the situation in Georgia and South Ossetia if his supporters are to be believed. I mean, the man's been there, people! Come on, if a guy has been somewhere and talked to a few of the people around there, he knows everything about it, right?

John Knows Iraq

Again, Senator McCain has been to Iraq several times. He's had his picture taken with the troops, walked around on the ground and knows the place like the back of his hand. He knows what's best for the Iraqis and what's going on in that part of the world because, dammit people, he's been there. Hell, he could probably even run the war in Iraq and Afghanistan without consulting his staff.

John Knows Israel

Senator McCain has been to Israel on several occasions and because of that we Americans can rest assured that simply his visits to Israel make him an expert on the subject of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I mean, the guy has been there right?

John Knows Economics

Senator McCain knows all about economics despite having said earlier in the campaign that economics was, “not his thing”. Since then, of course, Senator McCain has visited Economicstan and now is an expert in the subject.

John Knows Dirty Politics

John knows all about dirty politics. He, of course, has been the victim of it before. Who could forget the push polling in South Carolina? But, he'd never visited there before so he didn't know about it. However, once he visited ParisHiltonabad and compared his opponent to a rock star, now he has a real handle on what it takes to get down in the mud and wallow like Karl Rove.

John Doesn't Know…

About the number of houses he owns. Maybe that's just because he hasn't been to all of them yet. Because, let's face it, a person doesn't become an expert on something unless he has, “been there, done that”.

I am assuming, of course, that everyone realizes that Senator John McCain should be even more familiar with the number of properties he owns than he is with the situation in Iraq, Georgia and Afghanistan. If he doesn't know about his own personal finances and his own personal property, do we really trust him to handle the country's finances and property?

Think about it.

The program will be called “The Wrestler's Notebook”, and will feature WWE stars like Christopher Irvine (“Chris Jericho”) and Paul Levesque (“Triple H”) discussing life in and outside the ring. Professional and aspiring wrestlers alike will also have a chance to write in with their stories, to be read by host Garrison Keillor, or to call in with comments, questions or death threats.

“These stories are wildly entertaining,” says Keillor. “It is so refreshing to hear the softer side of what you might assume to be such a Philistine lifestyle in the e-mails we've received. Oh, and I just love being in the middle of the ring, as it were, for a good knock-down, drag-out verbal bout.”

In Friday's press release NPR offered sneak peeks into the content of the wrestlers' stories. One from William Goldberg (“Goldberg”) describes how he began his career, at which time he was a practicing ascetic at the Monastery of the Solemn Tree in northern Ohio. According to Mr. Goldberg, he received a vision from God that told him his vocation was to be a picture of justice to the world.

Mark Calaway (“The Undertaker”), tells the tale of how he came up with his WWE persona while working as a florist. On a delivery to a funeral home, a petite mortician jokingly told Calaway that, judging from the looks of the two men, their roles ought to be reversed. It was then that the idea for The Undertaker was born. After receiving overwhelming support from his wife and seven children, Calaway contacted an agent and began making the fateful inquiries.

Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”), arguably WWE's most famous wrestler due to his late movie stardom, presents a touching love story from his early days with WWE. Upon checking out an origami book from his local library on a brief hiatus between Raw ™ and Smackdown ™, he became smitten with a librarian who was engaged to another man. Johnson portrays himself as a desperate lover challenging the fortitude of a romantic rival in what rapidly develops into a high-stakes karaoke competition.

Wrestlers who are guests on the show will have the opportunity to comment on their colleagues' stories in a segment called “Turn the Page”. The result will be a cross between a Friar's Club roast and a stories-around-the-campfire feel, according to the Associated Press.

“This is going to be an awesome opportunity for us to reach out to an audience we've never been able to crack before,” says WWE Chairman Vince McMahon. “I am thrilled to be a part of giving these guys and gals a chance to tell their stories. Because, you know, we're real people. And people really respond to people that are real.”

Not everyone is happy about WWE's representation on National Public Radio, however.

“This is the most ungodly, unholy, ridiculous thing ever to happen, ever,” says Margie Simms, 70, a long-time NPR listener. “Was Garrison on the hashish, I wonder, when he agreed to do this? I don't think I'll ever listen to "A Prairie Home Companion" again.” After hesitating, she adds, “Well, maybe just those hilarious Guy Noir stories. But nothing else.”

Kevin Klose, President of NPR, defends the organization from accusations that WWE content is not suitable for public radio. “Everyone deserves to have his or her voice heard,” Klose says. “You would have to be fascist to the umpteenth degree not to see that professional wrestlers are human beings with hearts and minds. They are people worthy of our respect and admiration.” He adds, “I have been a fan of the WWF - I guess it's WWE now - for as long as I can remember, and nothing is going to stop me from putting the choke-slam smackdown on detractors to this wonderful new program.”

Garrison Keillor is equally optimistic about the success of the show, which is scheduled to begin broadcasting on most NPR affiliate stations this fall. “Radio programs like "A Prairie Home Companion" have had their place with the NPR demographic,” Keillor says. “They've had their time, as each season has its time, and just as the first frost of autumn marks the beginning of a new period, a season in which to forget the toils of summer and just nestle in by the fire, so does the frost in the hair of so many of our listeners mark an occasion to look forward to a season in which we get cozy next to a different sort of fire, the fire of raw testosterone, burning dimly in the pale moonlit nights, reminding us of who we are, who we were, who we might become.”

George Bush's middle name should definitely be changed to "Moneyman". When Alan Greenspan warned Moneyman of a possible recession in 2001, Moneyman took it upon himself to ensure one of the largest tax cuts in history happened! Without the support of the Secretary of Treasury Paul O'Neill, Bush signed a US$1.35 trillion tax cut program. Since he took office, Bush has managed to raise the national debt to US$3.25 trillion dollars. But why is this so bad? Its not! Since America cares not just for itself but the world abroad, we should be proud that our country is helping to put food on tables of other nations. We borrow all of this money from the other nations, such as China. It is extremely selfish of tiny brained Americas to care of just their own economy. Bush realizes that we are not the only country in the world and we must give out our resources and money to everyone else to make this thing we call a world a better place.

Another great name for George Bush is Einstein. Without a doubt he is one of the most intelligent men in America. In 1968, Bush got his Bachelor's degree from Yale. He later went on to do great on pilot's written aptitude test for the National Guards, scoring in the 25th percentile. In 1970 he applied to the University of Texas Law School, but was rejected only because he came from too prestigious of a family. He later went on to receive his MBA from Harvard and made tons of money working in the oil industry. George Einstein Bush is the kind of man I want teaching my children. His ingenious programs, such as No Child Left Behind , make sure that all students have the same opportunity for growth!

Since he took office, Bush has made sure America was safe for all. His War Against Drugs, War on Terrorism, War in Afghanistan, and Iraq War have all been huge successes! While we may have lost a few thousand soldiers, we surely have killed a lot of their men, too! Just because we never found weapons of mass destruction doesn't mean America was wrong for going the places we did, it was an honest mistake. Our government wouldn't lie. Don't you all feel more safe knowing our troops are spread all over the world?

So why doesn't Bush deserve a third term? He has done nothing wrong. I say, throw the Constitution out and let's keep Bush. Hell, let's change his name to Emperor George Moneyman Einstein Bush.

10) The black helicopters (come on, like we weren't gonna notice that one…)

9) Every American president ever has been a high level Mason, with the exception of two (Kennedy & Nixon), 50% of whom were assassinated. (And by high-level I don't mean “Shriner,” folks…)

8) The United States of American Idol has a better electoral system than the United States of America Incorporated (case in point: 93 million votes processed flawlessly in 2 days…Where there's a will, there's a way, ya know what I'm sayin'?)

7) The Federal Reserve Board. What the hell is that, anyways?

6) A man named Stan Meyer invented an engine that ran on water, breaking it down into hydrogen for power, proved that it worked (Google “Stan Meyer” to see the news clip), and as soon as he got his patent he conveniently “disappeared.” What's up with that?

5) It says “New World Secular Order” right on the dam one-dollar bill. Bold sons of b--s, aren't they?

4) Madonna a Jewish Mystic? I don't think so! When will the deception end?!?

3) I have a friend who didn't make his child support payments for three months, because he had fractured several vertebrae and couldn't work. The State of New York suspended his driver's licensce, drained his bank account electronically, and put a “lien” on his pension. So now when he does get better, he won't be able to work because he can't drive. And he can't retire because that money is no longer his. (Makes you wonder if it ever really was…) Well, “Thank God” for homeless shelters! Now, give me one example of a government that had that much power and hasn't been up to no good… Hmmm. Still trying to think of one?

2) GoogleEarth … Now, if a man can't run naked in his backyard without his boss seeing it all over the Internet, what kind of world are we living in?

1) Achem's Razor. In the year… well, a long time ago anyways, a monk named William of Achem posited an axiom that became one of the cornerstones of modern philosophy. It was that one should “never assume multiplicity when singularity will suffice.” In other words, “keep it simple, stupid.” And when it comes to the world's political and economic situation, the simplest explanation may indeed be that we are all unwitting dupes of some evil band of super villains …

Why they are probably Wrong:

10) Lots of people own black helicopters!

9) Ok, so all the most powerful political and business figures in the world belong to the same secret organizations. I'll give you that. But its probably just a coincidence. After all, sometimes we all run into people we know at the gym, don't we?

8) Here in America, we get to choose candidates from 2 (count 'em, two!) political parties.

7) We can always have a recount.

6) They let Fox produce the X-Files for umpteen years. They wouldn"t have done that if everything in the show were true. Because then there would be a danger that society would start thinking that fictional TV shows like “The X-Files” were more accurate than non-fictional TV shows like “The News.” And they don't want those lines blurred, now, do they?

5) San Francisco. 'Nuff said.

4) So, we"re selling our infrastructure off to an “Australian-Spanish Consortium” piece by piece. OK, now some people may say that sounds like code language for “a non-profit Aboriginal Consulting Firm owned by a Mexican Biotech Company owned by a Bahamian Bank owned by a Rupert Murdoch/ George W. Bush Limited Partnership,” but I say Nay ! Why would a secret organization of the world's most powerful business and political leaders want to control the entire American infrastructure? There'd really be no point…

3) We all know that lobbyists are honorable people. After all, they dress nicely and can be seen regularly in attendance at Homeland Security Prayer Breakfasts . (Whatever those are.)

2) The Pyramid with The Giant Eyeball (see, “One Dollar Bill”) was probably just some lesser known Presbyterian symbol. You know, some kind of “Hellfire and Brimstone” thing. They were into that stuff back then.

1) Achem's Razor again… Let's think about it… OK, time's up! The most probable explanation for the state of world affairs may just be that we actually brought this on ourselves. By electing a bunch of unscrupulous (well, actually, lets use a stronger word, why don't we?-- “spineless”!), and in some cases perhaps downright sociopathic (but well-dressed!) Snake-oil salesmen (oops, I mean “politicians”). And that the lowest common denominators of greed, corruption, and immaculate personal hygiene have more often determined the formation of our laws and policies than have the less popular character traits of honor, nobility, compassion , and actual testicular fortitude . Not to mention the minute amount of nonconformity it takes to be distinguished from amongst a crowd of perfectly coiffed and manicured slime-balls ! Even if it is by something as trivial as the possession of an actual conscience …

Having said all that, I'm sorry but I must go now-- I hear a helicopter landing in my back yard…

The author would like to thank you for reading this. By doing so, you have just made a struggling family of six exactly one penny richer! If having accomplished this makes you feel good, please pass on that feel-good moment to as many others as possible by forwarding this link. And the way its looking, the author may need those pennies to buy toothpaste and razors when he is in federal lock-up on some trumped-up charge…

Ending months of speculation, President Nicolas Sarkozy of France finally made the announcement with his two burqa-clad wives standing beside him. At the Charles de Gaulle Airport before boarding an official Air France airliner for Mecca to perform the Haj, Sarkozy announced his new found faith and did not hide the fact that he was influenced by his two spouses, believe to be of French-Moroccan descents. He also said that one day, he hope France will become an Islamic Republic as the Muslim population has already exceeded half, a fact that had been kept under wrap by the census board for many years already.

2. Coup: Clinton seizes power, declared herself President

Vice President Hillary Clinton seizes power in a bloodless coup early this morning. President Obama evades arrest and escaped to the Bahamas in a military helicopter. In a move that was to forever change the face of American history, Vice President Hillary Clinton with the help of the US Army top brass swooped in with tanks and elite troops of the 101st Airborne Division surrounding the White House. However bodyguards loyal to President Obama were able to whisk him and his family to a waiting helicopter and escaped into the chill of the early morning. A few gunshots were heard in the compound of the White House, presumably between the rebels and the loyalists but there was no report of casualties. At press time, it is learnt that Obama had flew to the Bahamas to set up a government-in-exile.

3. Secret DNA test proves Angela Merkel is the daughter of Hitler

Did Adolf Hitler have any offspring? This intriguing poser was finally answered when Chancellor Angela Merkel agreed to a DNA test to match her genes with a known Hitler's living first cousin, 93 years old Magritte Hopfgardner. The test was to be done on the condition that it must be kept secret and irrespective of the result. As it turned out, the result was positive. However the laboratory technician defied his superior's order and sold the story for 2 million euros to a German tabloid, the Bild.

4. Texas declares independence from the US

The fiercely parochial state of Texas had long been famous for its independent streak, and Texans are perpetually thumbing their noses at Washington for mistreatments, real or perceived. Taking the advantages while the White House faced the turrets of tanks from forces loyal to Hillary Clinton, The Texas governor flew the Lone Star flag from the rostrum of the Houston Astrodome, proudly announced the birth of Republic of Texas, and inspects a guard of honour manned by the newly formed Texas Revolutionary Army. The ceremony ended with shouts of “Remember the Alamo!” At press time, it was learnt that the states of Mississippi, Missouri and Georgia were also contemplating the same move.

5. China paid 1 billion euros to FIFA to fix matches to the World Cup in 2016

Knowing that their country will never win the soccer world's most coveted cup if every game were to be played by the book, the FA of China concocted a plan to snatch the Cup on the sly. A reward of 1 billion dollars was subtly dangled before the 5 top honchos of FIFA, and they took the bait. The five man team swung into action, devising a most complex plan, which includes rigging draws to put China into easy groups, and fixing prequalification matches and even outright bribery. But before the plot could be brought to full hatchery, a disgruntled member, presumably being shortchanged on the payout, blew the whistle and exposed the whole scandal to The Sun for… you guess it… an undisclosed fee rumoured to be in the millions pounds.

6. Ahmadinejad sets condition for abandoning nuclear programme: Hold Olympics in Iran.

In a desperate attempt to shore up his plunging popularity, President Ahmadinejad has done it again. This time, the charismatic leader, who over the years claimed to have built up a yet unconfirmed stockpile of nuclear warheads, decide to play the bluff by demanding that the coming summer Olympics be held in Iran in return for his country's giving up of the nuclear programme. As his country is already wrecked by economic chaos, he was also quick to add that all the cost of staging the Games be borne by all participating nations. "Based on my calculation for the costs of the Game, my demand is very reasonable. It's a fair price to pay for world peace."

7. Israel agrees to relocate to northwest corner of Australia.

Wealthy members of the Organization of Islamic Countries, flushed with cash from years of lofty crude oil price of US200 per barrel, pooled together a gigantic fund to buy out Israel, thus ending decades of Middle East conflict. A piece of real estate the size and shape of present day Israel was purchased at a whopping cost of US 1 trillion dollars at the north west corner of Australia. A further 10 trillion US dollars was compensated to the Israel for the buildings, factories and all immovable assets. Each Israel citizen is to receive a further 10 million dollars, thus making the new state of Israel the richest country per capita by far in the world. The new name for the state was unanimously agreed to be Republic of Ausrael. State religion remains Judaism.

8. Queen Elizabeth swims across the English Channel.

Getting tired of people take pot shot at her health, the queen put all rumours to rest by taking the plunge into the cold waters of the English Channel. However she was clothed in a custom-made full swimming suit revealing not a square inch of flesh except her face, palms and ankles, prompting many disappointed paparazzis to turn away without even taking a shot. As a security measure, she used a tethered life-vest and had to be hauled up to her royal yacht every 30 minutes for some rest and tea. Prince Charles was conspicuously absent from the whole event as any exercise to enhance the longevity of the queen was not on his priority list. However the frail Prince Philip was on the side of the yacht to urge her on with a loud hailer held up by his grandson Prince William. The whole swim from Dover to Dunkirk took five days.

9. Stonehenge stolen. Ransom of 100 million pounds demanded.

“Rocknappers” demand 100 million pounds for the return of the massive Stonehenge rocks mysteriously hauled away during the weekend. Police are baffled as to how such massive heist can be perpetrated. Members of the Association of Witches of England were the first to condemn the heinous act and vowed to use all their powers, supernatural or otherwise, to nab the culprits. Said Marion St James, the Grand Witch “We cannot possibly conduct our rituals without the backdrop of the Stonehenge. Hence we will not leave any stone unturned to recover it.”

10. Paris Hilton marries Arab sheikh.

Paris Hilton loved the Burj al Arab so much, that after lengthy discussion and advice from Britney Spears ("anything that sounds like my baby's burp sounds good"), decided to marry its owner Saleem al Salad. Babbling excitedly in her new burqa, Paris checks into her permanent suite at the top floor complete with swimming pool and a phalanx of servant girls. She will be throwing a house warming party soon for gang member like George Bush, Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, Robbie Williams, Motley Crue and anyone with body tattoos. Dress code: Strictly Burqa (Black color only).

Scenario One

• The Democratic Party and the Republican Parties will form organized committees. They will rename themselves (for the sake of simplicity) the Blue Party and the Red Party respectively.
• The Blue Party and the Red Party will meet together and form a list of issues. Each side will be assigned either a YES or NO position.
• The comities will program a computer with their official response to each question. They will then dissolve until such time as they may need to be called upon to clarify any additional issue.
• To streamline the process, the media will be called upon to poll the people in each state. Based on their projections, each state will assigned a color. That color will correspond to that state's electoral vote.
• In the event neither color has a majority the outcome will be decided by celebrity endorsements
• All decisions normally reserved for the president will be answered by the computer. All positions will be filled by the computer randomly assigning people from its party committee.

Scenario Two

• The two party system will be dissolved
• Each candidate will be required run on their own merits and provide their own platform
• This will make it more difficult for the voters to know who to vote for, but it encourages individual decision making rather than mob rule. What the media does about this will be their problem.
• The electoral college will be dissolved
• This may reduce the power of some smaller states- but each voter will have the same amount of influence regardless of the state they live in. It will go against Plato's idea of the uneducated masses being unfit to make a decision.
• The primaries will serve as an elimination, narrowing down the candidates based on their viability. If a candidate finds out they do not have the support to win, they are encouraged to drop out at their own discretion.
• Once the final candidates have been decided they will be required to pick a running mate. Because their are no parties, that will not be an issue.

There has been much talk of restoring of the Islamic Caliphate which once stretched from the Atlantic Ocean to the heart of Asia. This issue is often treated as if central to the cause of the modern movement of true Islam. It is implied that as these lands were once under the guidance of the perfect justice of Islam, they should fall under its guidance again. However, such an approach is limiting to the Islamic movement; it excludes the possibility of a foundation of a global Caliphate free from the despotism of the rule of men and their false systems of belief, free from the oppression that typifies all that is not Islam. For once a Caliphate such as that which is hearkened for by many is restored, a tension will exist between the true equality and justice of the lands under the dominion of Islam and the false equality and justice that reside without its borders. This is not a situation which can be tolerated. Not only will this perpetuate the underserved suffering resulting from the oppressive nature of the ignorant barbarism of the world of infidels, but it will perpetuate the existence of the possibility of the dilution of the perfect Islamic system with non-Islamic ideas.

Neither of these factors can be ignored. The former - that of the suffering caused by servitude of some men to others - is ably demonstrated by the capitalist West, whilst the latter is able demonstrated by the collapse of the original Caliphate, under the influence of that which existed outside its borders. Therefore, if a situation were to arise where only as part of the world were to fall under truly Islamic rule, the suffering caused by “servitude to men” would only be eliminated in certain areas, and wouldn't necessarily be eliminated permanently. It is therefore necessary to ensure that there is nothing that resides outside the borders of the Islamic world; in other words, there must be no borders to the Islamic world, as it must encompass the entire world. However, it is not realistic to assume that the entire world can at once be brought under the just dominion of Islam; a Caliphate similar to that which existed in the past must be established as a vanguard for the establishment of the global Caliphate. The key difference between the new Caliphate (in its incomplete state, i.e. before it encompasses the world) and the old is that is must be recognised as a means to an end, and not the final limit to the propagation of Islamic justice in the world. Thus will the world be permanently free from the suffering caused by “servitude to men.”

Islam is perfectly suited to acting as a vanguard for establishing a global system, as it is natural for Islam to play the role of leaders of mankind. This is evident from the society formed by the Prophet Muhammad, upon whom be peace, and his Companions, which was unequalled by its contemporaries in terms of social justice and geopolitical expansion. There are great parallels between the situation of Muhammad, upon whom be peace, and the situation of true Islam in the modern world; the greatest of these is that between the worlds of then and now. Before Muhammad, upon whom be peace, revealed the true word of God, there existed nothing but ignorance and primitive barbarism; there was no system comparable to Islam in terms if its perfect social justice. Now, there is no truly Islamic society (although truly Islamic ideas and movements do exist) and nothing exists but ignorant barbarism. This is because no society lives under Shariah law whilst truly venerating God. In other words, those societies which cite God as constitutionally sovereign and claim to abide by His law are not truly Islamic as they allow some individuals to wield power over others. In the words of ash-shaheed Sayyid Qutb, any society that “transfers to man one of the greatest attribute of God, namely sovereignty, and makes some men lords over others” cannot be described as anything but barbaric. As it was the duty of the Prophet to lead the world out of this abhorrent state, it must be the duty of modern Islam to lead the world out of its decadence and into a state where every individual can be truly equal before God. This is the Golden Path to Justice.

In order to do this, ash-shaheed Sayyid Qutb compelled us thus: “Islamic belief should at once materialise into a practical movement.” As it currently stands, this movement is employing a single and largely ineffective tactic, which is generally labelled as “terrorism.” The acts of terror tend to be aimed against separate institutions and governments, against small groups of individuals rather than the masses; they may be indirectly aimed at the masses, but the indirect results of acts of terror are counterproductive for the movement, Islam is regularly misrepresented; qualifying the label “terrorist” with the description “Islamic” is now perceived as tautological. Although the Crusader-Zionist Alliance claims to be waging a “war on terror,” pre-emptive strikes have been aimed at Islamic “terrorists” and civilians alike, but not, for example, at ETA or the pIRA. The character of Islam has hence been transformed in the opinion of the masses to a distinctly negative one; they are now perceived as “the enemy.” If the movement aims to propagate the Islamic faith throughout the world of barbarism it is making its task harder by giving the West cause to promote a negative image of Islam. The use of terror is highly unsuitable as a tactic; if the masses fear Islam, they will not be in a position to rationally accept its perfect justness. Therefore, another strategy must be employed if the Golden Path to the establishment of a global Islamic Caliphate is to be negotiated.

The efforts of the global struggle must be concentrated in one area; instead of undertaking a number of smaller strikes over a large area, a single massive strike must be made at the heart of the world of the ignorant barbarians. The dissipation of the previous attacks has limited their effect in reducing the dominance of barbarism; the attacks on New York, London and Madrid have not weakened the grip of the barbarian systems upon these States, nor of the barbarian grip on the West. The attitude of these victim states has been to treat these acts of terror as temporary setbacks in their onward march. This cannot be allowed to occur if the modern Islamic movement is to succeed in its goal. The setback must be a permanent one; an institution must be destroyed; a State must be overthrown; a direct strike must be carried out against the way of life of the ignorant barbarians.

The question of against which State or institution this strike should be levelled revolves around the factors of the potential ease of victory, logistics and the effect of a successful strike on the world of the infidels. It would be easy, for example, to overthrow a sub-Saharan republic and establish a truly Islamic society. However, there may be little local support for this; a widespread lack of education may prevent the perfect justice of Islam from being accepted as the most rational solution; the greatest problem in this case, however, is that it would not be a strike at the very heart of the ignorant barbarism of the infidels. In terms of this factor, the greatest possible strike would be the removal of the US government and the creation of an Islamic society within its lands, but this would prove logistically impossible in the immediate future. The UK government is a perfect target for an Islamic coup d'état. It is a key part of the Crusader-Zionist Alliance, meaning that its defeat will be a strike at the very heart of the infidels. The movement has already carried out two attacks in London, and there is much support for the movement's cause in the UK. The combination with the existent support already in place, with the human and material resources currently at the disposal of the global movement, provides the greatest chance for success. This will be the first step on the Golden Path to justice.

The overthrowing of a corrupt infidel power which seeks only to maintain its position as lord over the people - a position to which it has no right - and its replacement with perfect justice and equality will demonstrate the power of the Islamic faith and its social manifestation. In the words of ash-shaheed Qutb, “the growth of the Muslim community, including its ideas, morals, education and training was due to its belief…[which] derives its power from the simple and clear truth on which it stands.” There will be automatic comparison between the State which exploited, alienated and impeded the freedom of its people, and the Islamic one, where no individual is forced to submit to another, where no individual may be exploited by another for personal material gain. If an infidel were to make this comparison, their rationality would lead them to the Islamic faith, with its just and equal society based upon God's perfect law. The potential for the Islamic faith to inspire others is evident from the current strategy of terrorism, with acts of martyrdom inspiring further acts of martyrdom. The power of faith must be utilised to guide the world on the Golden Path to the establishment of a global Caliphate; once a strike has been levelled against the world of the infidel, the expansion of the Caliphate is inevitable.

The time has come for the true Muslims of the world to unite and, God willing, launch a deadly strike against the infidel.