An anonymously quoted official said yesterday “While we have our reservations about China's recent human rights record, five hundred pandas in shopping carts is too much to resist. The beating and killing of rioters is one thing, but the cuteness factor here just totally overrules that.” Experts have agreed saying, “History has shown us that Americans favor animal cuteness above all other concerns.”

They cite the recent viral video of a puppy being thrown off a cliff by an American soldier. “While this is obviously an atrocious act, if it is indeed a real video, the numerous accidental deaths of Iraqi children and civilians can never hope to gain this kind of public attention.” Harvard sociologist Mark Buchard had the final word: “A nameless Tibetan is one thing, a panda in a shopping cart is quite another.” It looks like China has decisively insured that the 2008 Olympics will be a resounding international success.

“At first, I was a little embarrassed,” said Hartford's own Margaret Brown, 64. “I mean, imaging how you would feel if you were enjoying a nice Saturday at the zoo, and the next thing you know you are handed a trophy that claims you are the Best Dressed Elephant. But now, I'm sort of enjoying all the attention.”

Margaret, along with her husband Chuck, had planned on spending a nice quiet day out, when their collective world was set on its ear. They had heard about the annual event, now in its 18th year, occurring that day at the elephant pin.

The contest, which is a popular fund raiser for the zoo, teams a group of zookeepers up with each of the elephants owned by the zoo. The keepers have some fun dressing up each of the elephants in fun bows, studded dog collars, or whatever the elephant will put up with. Popular opinion of the outfits are judged by which elephant the crowd cheers the loudest for. Bragging rights, as well as a yearlong supply of extra elephant treats, are the reward for the winning team.

“I was really enjoying all of the excitement,” said Margaret. “I especially liked the baby elephant with the leather chaps on. Just then, a man in a zoo blazer walked over to me and handed me the trophy. I guess they mistook me for an elephant, or something.”

Samuel Jenkins, President of the Hartford Zoo, was the man in the blazer, and at the time of this report had not returned our phone calls. While he was not available for comment on the case of mistaken identity, Zoo Chairperson Susan Tillman reported that the situation “was being handled.”

And how is the Best Dressed Elephant's husband handling all of this?

“Well, I just hope she takes the hint,” said Mr. Brown. “Quite frankly, I've been telling her for years that she looks like an elephant. Hell, she looks ghastly most all of the time. Maybe now she'll start putting some makeup on in the mornings.”

“After we got to thinking about it,” said Gertrude Hanson, an Official Mammal Committee member, “we at the OMC came to the realization that the weasel was the perfect choice. Think about it for a tick. It doesn't matter where in the District of Columbia you find yourself, you're bound to see a weasel or two.”

Hanson went on to say that after extensive research, the committee found that most all of the elected officials in Washington were, in fact, weasels.

It had been a tight race from the start. The first idea pulled out of the proverbial suggestion box was the rat. While that was the early leader, it was soon eclipsed by the pig, which was in turn surpassed by the common ass.

“For a while there,” added committee co-member John Puff with a chuckle, “when the voting was over and we were getting ready to tally the votes, I really thought it was going to be the ass. There was tremendous grassroots support in that camp. I mean, I know in my heart that we are pretty much overrun with weasels here, but there are a lot of asses in Washington, too. Great big asses. And they pretty much all stink.”

Not everyone in the Capital City was thrilled about the choice, including animal rights activist Sunbeam Moonflower. “It's just not fair to these poor creatures. Everyone wants to point out all the negative stereotypes that have been attached to the weasel for eons. The true weasel has many redeeming characteristics, including an undying devotion to the others weasels in its pack . That's more than I can say for your run of the mill elected official.”

As the debate rages on, plans have already began on the first annual “Weasel Day” celebration. While a date has not been set, the theme for the parade will be “Weasels and Politicians are Vertebrates, Too!”

“The fact is,” Valafar went on to say, “that even the Price of Darkness gets off track sometimes. Let's face it. He's just simply overrun with paperwork. Have you ever applied for a mortgage? Well, imagine applying for a mortgage in Hell, and then you'll start to get the idea of how busy he is.”

While Lucifer could not be reached for immediate comment, his personal assistant Zagan assured this reporter that his master still considered his attempt bring about the events foretold in the Book of Revelations “high on his priority list.” He continued, saying, “He's bound to reschedule this, just as soon as he has the time. Now mind your own business, or I'll rip your eyeball out.”

Not everyone in Hell agrees with the official release, including Secretary of Torture Ralph, who gave us the following statement in a phone interview. “Let's think about this logically. He's the Lord of the Underworld. Everyone down here is afraid of him, and I mean everybody. We live in constant fear of what he might do to us. I'm not even entirely sure that I should be talking to you. Don't you think that he would be able to strong arm someone down here into doing his paperwork for him? It just doesn't add up.”

In response to the news conference this morning, Heaven has lowered the Armageddon Threat Level from orange to yellow. “We are doing this as a show of good faith,” said Archangel Uriel in a follow up press conference. “We have been at odds with each other for entirely too long. Hopefully, this is just the first step in a renewed effort to close the fissure that has grown between us.”

The Armageddon Threat Level, or ATL for short, was developed five years ago after Hell unleashed a surprise attack on Detroit. It is designed to convey the likelihood of the end of the world occurring. The five level system starts with green (no likelihood) and blue (low likelihood). From there it goes to yellow (marginal likelihood), orange (high likelihood), and finally red (put your head between your knees). Since its inception, the ATL has been at orange, making this a very historic day.

When asked how the decision was make the level yellow and not the lower blue, Uriel said “We are fairly certain that they have in fact delayed Satan's return to Earth, and have therefore lowered the level. We decided not to drop all the way to blue, but it is entirely possible that they are lying. They are, you know, demons. At the end of the day, they're still evil.”