I’m sorry to tell them this, but no, I at least, will not be saved by Zero!

As an unemployed middle aged male with no car, huge debt, and no relief in sight, I cannot be saved, no matter how powerful Zero is.

So how about this…Car loans for the unemployed! That’s right, jump start the economy by giving the unemployed with no car, a car to drive, so they can buy gas!

As a matter of fact, put me to work, doing the paperwork for all the unemployed people securing new cars! I could do that.

Then there is the question of how the unemployed pay for their car. Glad you asked. The unemployed could get bonuses by signing up unemployed people to get cars. This is how they pay off the car, is by referrals. Makes sense, right? So the more unemployed people you have driving, the more gas you sell, therefore jump starting the economy.

So for Zero to save me, there would have to be not only zero interest and finance charges, but Zero percent chance I would ever pay off the car.

By the way, I will not be saved by the Phenomenal Four from Mitsubishi either.

Stupidity Tax

I will vote for a candidate who proposes a tax on stupidity. This will reverse the national debt and allow blowhards of all ilks to put their money where their loud obnoxious mouths are. The grocery store that employs baggers that put the 10 pound bag of potatoes on top of the eggs would have to pay a stupidity tax.

Insurance Reform

I live in Florida. Insurance companies are very happy to drain my wallet and insure my home providing no one in the state of Florida ever files a claim. If anyone in the state of Florida does file a claim because of hurricane, they get very annoyed, terminate my policy and withdraw from the state. By the way, home insurance only covers damage due to wind. You need flood insurance to cover any damage done by water. This presumably is because not all hurricanes are wet. Insurance companies would be subject to the stupidity tax.

Pharmaceutical Company Advertising Reform

Pharmaceutical companies spend more on advertising than on research. I will vote for the candidate that promises to restrict drug advertising to press releases when the drug is put on the market. Further mention should be restricted to recalls or adverse reactions. Take all the money saved on advertising and reduce the prices of prescription meds. The only advertising that would be allowed would be public service announcements to raise awareness of a disease or condition. For example, osteoporosis is a serious condition. If you are a post-menopausal woman, talk to your doctor about a bone density test and treatment options. The company name and logo will be allowed to be displayed, but not the name of the drug. Who are you to be telling your doctor about a drug anyway? Who do you think knows more about it? If your doctor isn't aware of drug treatment options without your interference, you belong to a really bad HMO.

Campaign Reform

Television campaign ads cost megabucks and most of them make the Jerry Springer Show seem like a sermon. Candidates have to raise incredible amounts of money to mount a campaign for national office. How about only televising debates and town hall meetings? That's news. I'll vote for the candidate who proposes to use the money in the campaign war chest to reduce the national debt, fix the infrastructure and education of our kids.

Lobbyist Reform

Promise to feed all lobbyists to sharks or use them as subjects for medical experiments and you'll have my vote. Lobbying is just bribery and graft. It is institutionalized and sophisticated, but it is still bribery and graft. Perhaps the lobbyists who don't want to become shark chow can go to Iraq or some other garden spot and become hostages. Lobbyists who become hostages in foreign countries will not be allowed to return. Lobbyists should not be allowed to breed.

Food Additive/Food Labeling Reform

I'll vote for the candidate who proposes plain English on food labels. You shouldn't have to be a chemist to understand food labels. If the product has eggs in it, the label should say "Contains eggs". If the product contains sugar, it should say "Contains sugar". Currently, a product labeled as sugarless can contain high fructose corn syrup, evaporated cane juice, maltodextrin, and sucrose. FYI, your body thinks they are all sugar and will happily make fat out of them. There is zinc oxide in my breakfast cereal. That's what's in sun block. Is sunburn a big problem for breakfast cereal? Most of the stuff on food labels are unpronounceable and incomprehensible. What is disodium guanylate and why is it in my chicken soup? Will it give me cancer? Will it make me obese? Will it make me itch? Is that what gives it home-cooked flavor? Grandma made chicken soup and I don't remember her reaching for the sodium guanylate.

Credit Card Interest Rates

You'll earn my vote if you can explain why the usury laws don't apply to credit card companies. How come a credit card company can state in microscopic print that it can, at any time, for any reason, change your rate from outrageous to astronomical. The Mafia has better terms.

Petroleum Company Profits/Pricing

To get my vote, propose that oil companies take their obscene profits and either put the money into renewable energy or reduce prices. Alternatively, they could put money into researching renewable energy AND reduce prices.

CEO Salaries

I don't understand why the CEO of a company should earn three hundred times what the people who actually do the work earn. Currently, a CEO can run a company into bankruptcy and walk away with golden parachutes worth more than the GDP of some countries. If any of the rank and file did their job as poorly, they'd be fired. I'll vote for the candidate who proposes to fire the CEOs who are driving companies into the ground and give them a parachute of dog poo. Better yet, pay them on a commission-only basis.

Health Care

My congressperson has comprehensive health care. Doesn't he/she work for me? Don't I pay his/her salary? How come I don't have the same benefits? What kind of employer offers their employees health care and doesn't have it themselves? Either come up with something viable effective immediately or I'll send my medical and dental bills to my elected representative.

That's what I'd like to hear on the campaign trail—a lot less about whether pit bulls or pigs wear lipstick more about what's important to me. I'm listening.

Sales

The pair of jeans you once lusted over are now half price. And why? Because you're favourite store is just as broke as you are. Now you can look gorgeous and smug!

We Get Skinnier

Food prices might be going up, but that only means we eat less. Now our dress sizes are going down. Who knows, maybe it'll solve the obesity crisis?

No More Moments of Poor Judgement

It might be too expensive to drink at your favourite pub now, but at least you can avoid the guys you wouldn't go near sober if you're at home with friends. At a house party, you know who's fit from memory.

It's a Good Excuse To Be Stingy

Christmas is coming up. You're best friend could get you a diamond necklace while you give her a wooly hat and you'd still get away with it, if you cry a bit about the price of living today.

It's Not The End of The World

Literally. Atom collisions haven't caused the world to blow up yet, but they still might. So we all deserve to have a little dance and a rave while we still can. And before the price of alcohol goes up any higher. Cheap glowsticks, anyone?

Ventriloquists on the radio

Imagine if you will the bizarre image of ventriloquist Peter Brough marching into a radio station in the UK, in the 1950s complete with his puppet Archie Andrews, and setting up in a studio, ready for their performance. The bizarre, quaint, off-the-wall concept of delivering a ventriloquist act, with its purely visual humor, over the auditory medium of radio, clearly seemed like a good idea at the time – and no one ever picked up on it. Indeed the show picked up an impressive 15 million listeners.

Tell this to someone nowadays and you'll be met with a look of intense disbelief; but it's true. Thankfully the show eventually moved onto television, and just as well really, since paradoxes like ventriloquists performing on the radio run the risk of causing the universe to implode (along with traveling back in time and killing your father). In our series of unfortunate media moments, Archie Andrews' radio show kicks us off to a good start. Let us look at more media weirdness from across the decades.

Nudists and assault courses

In 2000, in celebration of World Naturist Day, Channel 5 and Yorkshire TV made the woeful decision to produce the UK's first ever naked game show; “Naked Jungle”. Keith Chegwin's career as a TV presenter was never quite the same after agreeing to present it. Thankfully it was a one-off edition, but nevertheless those who watched it claim mental scarring that may last their entire life time. The format of having all of the contestants, along with Chegwin himself, appearing entirely naked was supplemented in bad taste by its assault course format.

The contestants were all nudists and seemingly were also unfazed by this. Not so the general public, who were all quite upset by full frontal nudity, along with genitalia so suddenly and indecently being plonked onto their TV screens when before they could have relied on the TV stations to protect them from such debauch material. Needless to say it never happened again, and TV stations are nowadays back to previous levels of self censorship. The program and Chegwin were subsequently condemned in all the newspapers and in the House of Commons. Keith Chegwin has subsequently described his decision to present it as being the worst in his life.

Culture Secretary at the time said in the House of Commons: "We have noted in recent days a very considerable concern about some of the content on television, particularly in relation to Channel 5. Government cannot and should not, of course, directly intervene, but I believe that the broadcasters have a commercial and moral duty to take account of the views of the public and I urge them to do so." A Channel 5 spokesman told the press, “We're very surprised Keith Chegwin's private parts have generated so much interest.” Perhaps if Chegwin's private parts had remained private there would have been nothing to be surprised about.

Fair and balanced malicious gossip

Fox news; marching under the banner; “Real journalism, fair and balanced.” Rupert Murdoch has declared war on journalism, and the result is Fox News, a channel that is incapable of impartial news. While all news channels are colored by the prejudices of the countries in which they are based, Fox News takes prejudiced news to a whole new level by acting as the vehicle for one man's views.

Unlikely soap plots

The tortuously long running British soap opera, Coronation Street is no stranger to terrible plots, but managed to take the biscuit (no, the cake) for the most unlikely plot, ever, when over the course of a few years the same infant (Bethany Platt) was kidnapped on 3 different occasions, by 3 different people, all for 3 different reasons. Being abducted once in a lifetime is unlikely enough. What are the odds of that? How can viewers continue to suspend their sense of disbelief knowing this. Could it be that it's time to put this long running soap to bed, and out of its misery? Or perhaps it's part of a much wider plot arc where Bethany is revealed to have a birth mark in the shape of a 666, and will eventually bring death and destruction to the residents of Coronation Street. We can only hope and pray she does it soon.

Hollywood

There is nothing funnier than watching the Hollywood film and music studios only just getting into the swing of using one technology when suddenly it's replaced by another. After weeping blood laced tears over the lost profits from radio, and declaring theft and blue murder, and claiming that all the lost profits would stop music production, a deal was finally struck. Hollywood had only just started to relax after sorting that mess out when suddenly cassette tapes appeared, giving those at home the ability to record music from the radio and play it whenever they want.

Hollywood's British counterparts (the British Phonographic Industry (BPI)) took a hissy fit and came up with the immortal slogan: "Home Taping Is Killing Music" some time in the early 1980s. This British music industry trade group was terrified that the rise in cassette recorder popularity would mean that people would record music from the radio onto cassettes, thus causing a decline in record sales. The logo of a skull and crossbones formed from the silhouette of a cassette, followed by the words “And It's Illegal”. This logo became infamous and entered the public's imagination. Much parodied over the years, the best parody featured a sewing machine.

Unfortunately the home taping logo is copyrighted (surprise surprise), but this parody of it is better.

Though they were never terribly happy about them and tried to sue anything with a record button whenever the opportunity presented itself, Hollywood did eventually get used to tapes. They had only just begun to chill out a bit when CD Roms came crashing along giving the music industry a shiny new medium on which to sell music. For a change Hollywood was quite pleased with this develiopment, and for a time it was all good.

This bubble was promptly burst a few years later with two big developments. The first was cheap CD writers coming standard with “Multimedia PCs”, while the second was a format called MP3. As we should all know by now, living this side of the millennium, before MP3s a music track was about 50MB in size, too big to share in the era of 56k modems (imagine having to wait a month for a song to download). MP3s knocked music files down tenfold making them small enough to share. The apperance of single fee tarifs for internet access (previously it had been pay as you go, 3p per minute on average), made downloading music economically viable for the end users.

If the media industries panicked when tapes first appeared, they went crazy with the advent of MP3 downloading, “file sharing” and peer2peer networks. Rather than tackle the issue at hand and create legitimate services where users could easily access the music they wanted, the music industry romped all over the trust they had built up with the fans over the years by adding Digital Rights management (DRM) to CDs to try and stop file sharing. Invariably all DRM did was get in the way of legitimate customers who had actually bought the product, preventing them from using the tracks in their MP3 players and other such devices (that were just appearing at the time).

Hollywood's campaign of calling fans criminals turned the music consumers against them. CD sales dropped while downloads shot through the roof. Meanwhile they sued every file sharing site they could find, to get them shut down. This effectively decentralized the file sharing community, making it impossible for Hollywood to destroy. For every site or service they did manage to shut down, thousands more sprang up in its place.

Rather than act in a grown up manner and embrace the new medium of the Internet, Hollywood still tries to palm their problems off onto everyone else at the slightest mention of the words “file sharing”. They forced Microsoft into putting DRM into Vista, and are trying to force ISPs to police their networks and prevent (and prosecute) file sharers. In this battle, those who are using copyrighted content legitimately (under legal fair use for example) are often caught in the crossfire. Hollywood however is loosing the battle. Every time they invent a more perverted way of stopping users from using their own content in the name of preventing piracy; the anti-piracy measures are cracked within 24 hours, by the first 14 year old to run afoul of the DRM.

Nefarious News

Bloggers have apparently toppled the monopoly the large media companies had on 'the news'. Nowadays reporters from the large news networks are much more afraid of getting something wrong than they once were. In the old days, apparently, a reporter could send back a report and even if it wasn't quite correct, that became the accepted truth anyway, after all, there was no one to challenge it.

With the rise of blogging, the Internet, global information sources, with the slightest slip in facts and a hundred thousand voices can rise up in the midst of the blogsphere to complain about the woeful injustice inflicted upon the truth. Because of this, a leading expert once said that the BBC had lost the plot, claiming that Journalists used to be sure of themselves, but are now much more aware of the many different possible viewpoints – and that apparently made them nervous. Meanwhile the large networks world wide have been closing down as many of their international field offices as possible in order to keep the short sighted corporate bean counters happy. News networks would rather report on Britney Spears et all 95% or more of the time, because quite frankly, it's a lot cheaper than going out into the world and reporting the 'real' news.

Naked News

Saving the best for last, TV studios around the world are starting up Naked News slots, because clearly people can't be trusted to take an interest in what's happening in the world without coercion in the form of beautiful newsreaders stripping off as they deliver the news. Must have been started by those crazy Japanese TV channels! Is this Keith Chegwin's revenge?

So why waste my time looking it all up, scouring the net for facts, and being a loyal, educated voter if in the end, a bunch of no it all politic geniuses are going sit around and decide I'm to stupid to make my own decision.

Besides, have you seen our candidates these past few years:

Bush: Wages war without clear expedition. Frankly, "Go get revenge." Isn't quite good enough for me. Sure there was the whole 9/11 scene but don't we need a plan of action before we go send our beloveds into a blood bath? We have one now ... Four years later.

Meanwhile back in the old U.S of A our economic community crumbles and the middle class begins to wither away. Oil prices rise and so therefore does everything else.

John McCain: Smart one that he is, can't remember how many houses he owns. Can you spell waste of nature? Or pushing global warming? Anyway fat cat has 7.

He thinks middle class is anyone earning under 5 MILLION dollars a year. Shows what he knows about today's economic world. How many of you make 4 million?

He supports Bush: Ha-ha enough said.

He plays way too many dirty angles, more than usual in campaigns. For instance he slangs this whole time about Obama's inexperience, and what kind of a VP does he elect? One no one knows and his most inexperienced choice possible.

Also the fact that she's a woman is very sneaky on his part. Hey I don't have nothing against her personally. I'm a woman. Anyway I figure He's only doing it because Obama's getting publicity for being African American so good old McCain goes and says, we'll look my VP, she's a woman. How's that for publicity. As a woman, I find t insulting because of why he is doing it.

Another thing: all those speeches of his and his followers'? Do they say ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING about what the hell he's going to do about America? No. Just, "I'm a war hero this, I'm a war hero that, I'm an experienced geezer who can't count to seven, did I mention I'm a war hero?"

Obama: We'll now he's just plain sketchy. Something was said about him wanting to finish something in Iraq yet he apparently is getting our troops home ASAP.

He used to do drugs. Has he been like urine tested or something so we know we're not hiring a drug addict?

He made a big fuss over a lapel. IT'S JUST A PIN! GET OVER IT! He has but, jesus, he made a scene.

Hilary: Yeah, yeah no one cares anymore but still.

She was for abortion, no restrictions, just for it. That highly disturbs me, I mean according to her if two people get in a bed and go at it for mere pleasure and woops make a baby, they have no obligation to its life what so ever. Yeah I get that if they are really against the idea the kid and they won't get along so hot. But people there is life beyond age 18! Also, there is this wonderful elastic little creation, it makes you less likely to knock up your partner or get knocked up, it's called a C-O-N-D-O-M-N! Buy it. Wear it. Love it.

Yeah we'll she's gone anyway. HALILUEJEAH

So seriously, I wouldn't waste my time even if I was old enough. You want to go stand in a line for hours and choose between different idiots only to have your vote changed in an instance by our very own Electoral College, have it messed up in the machine, or have some dude pay his way in, you go ahead. I'll live MY life and make sure what I can effect, is affected.

To be sure, your constant relaying of internet videos, and holding meetings where you watch Loose Change, and giving money to Prisonplanet.com have been a thorn in our side. And when you sat on your asses watching V For Vendetta, well there were a few shudders around the Castle of Doom. But our sinister designs have been too long in the making to be foiled by a few rotten kids with dvd players and internet connections!

Make no mistake about it you meddling runts, soon you shall be slaves, working to build great temples and serving fine wine to your Level 33 and higher Freemason Masters! And that is to say nothing of what will become of the fairer among you, who shall be selected for a more, shall we say, intimate purpose.

From high atop our Castle of Doom, swirled by the many dragons for whom our fatter subjects will make a most fitting meal, I scoff at your pitiful attempts to undermine our designs to conquer the puny inhabitants of this world! Oh, post comments on David Icke Youtube videos while you can, my most unworthy opponents. His severed head shall make a fine addition to the throne room of our shape-shifting, reptilian overlords!

Behold! Yes behold our might ruler Reptilius XVII in all of his glory! Tremble before his awe-inspiring might! Soon he shall lay waste to your cities, make concubines of your children and rule over you with an iron (err, reptilian) fist! Oh how you shall rue the day you wore your 911truth.org shirts in public then! Yes, oh yes it is only a matter of time before you kneel feebly before his throne, begging for mercy for your meager attempts to oppose him! Yet you shall find none, and for you Reptilius XVII has prepared his greatest torments!

The time is coming, o impediments to our dark mission! Too long have we waited! Too long have we planned our evil scheme of world domination to be stopped now!

But I grow weary of your trifling interference! So I offer you a small mercy. Surrender now, and be spared. Those who do shall be granted slightly less horrific toil in the Factories of Despair for their loyalty! Those who do not accept my most generous charity shall suffer the greatest agonies imaginable!

Think it over, but choose wisely, for resistance is futile!

 

TIME OFF TIME.

The amount of time off time time within each workplace is to be governed by the time off time time directors who in association with the time on directors of each firm will govern the amount of time off time time allocated against time on time time.

It should be noted that time off time time may not be swapped with time on time time without the permission at the time of the time off time time director and the time on time time director.

This will allow proper time to the directors to ensure that the time off time time and the time on time time shall at all times be constant. So at no time will time off time time be allowed to be switched with time on time time.

Some time off time time requests have been made out with the time stated in the time on/time off regulations because of mitigating circumstances.

(The incumbent applicant holding the time off time time had died leaving spare time off time time available).

It must be stated that the time off time time was not as some would have it "available" due to the time it took to allocate time off time time in accordance with legislation, the fact that the time off time time was not used by the recipient makes no difference to the amount of time off time time available due to the amount of time on time time needed to complete the work in time.

I hope this clarifies at this time the firm's attitude to time off during time on time and that those who practice taking time off time time in time on time time will cease this now.

Furthermore i hope that whilst taking the time to read this time off directive time off time time is used rather than time on time time which could result in dismissal.

I thank you for your time and patience in helping us to fully use all of the time available to us to make this a happier more productive place to work during our time on time time.

Years ago he advertised himself as the "most dangerous man on the planet." I think that he exaggerates. He should say that he is the most blatantly crude man on the planet.

I knew another man who told me that I had made a "dangerous enemy" when I refused to give him $10,000 to become a secret partner on his Greek Voice radio show.

Another equally disturbing man was a lawyer whose wife would listen in on his clients and call the individual mentioned and sell information. He also designated himself as dangerous, " your dangerous situation."

I would say that Rush should have another jingle, Danes are magic blondes, er but one did have sexual wants for his mom eh, Hamlet.

Have you seen the July 21st issue of the New Yorker Magazine? It is the psychological-confirmation of all those fears and unfounded accusations about Barack and Michelle Obama. When I first saw the cover depicting this illustration, I welled up with anger and disappointment. My initial thought was, “What the hell was this editor and illustrator thinking by allowing this crap to be published?” After some research into the meaning for publishing this cover, I discovered that the illustration was not published as another political tactic in fanning the flames of fear, but to bring to light the stupidity and ignorance held by many stupid and ignorant republicans. The same stupidity and ignorance which manifest into the racial and other ethnic problems which still challenge America's so called core values in the 21st century. Unfortunately, no matter how many times Barack Obama says he is not a Muslim, there will always be those who will continue to believe otherwise. I can practically guarantee that if John McCain or some other prominent, high profile politician were to say that Obama is a Muslim, there will be millions who will accept it as truth. As tasteless as it may seem, this is exactly the point the magazine is attempting to convey to the public. In that context I have to agree with the reasons for its publication. From a critical thinking perspective.

I hope in the wake of this latest media/political circus act; John McCain will stand-up and specifically state that Barack Obama is not a Muslim. But considering they're both in the midst of a pivotal campaign, I won't bank on that happening. I do hope and expect the New Yorker will grant equal ink in satirizing John McCain. Perhaps in an S&M scene with a young Vietnamese girl or on the battlefield fighting against U.S. troops stating that “we're fighting a mental war in Iraq and Afghanistan.” For some, it would certainly question McCain's patriotism. But just as there are some ignorant and stupid republicans, there is an equal number of ignorant and stupid democrats. All is fair in political satire.