We Have Worked It Out

(Daily Mail, 16 February)

Supposedly, Mucca and exxy have come to some sort of agreement over how the Sir Pauly's money (much of it made before Heather could walk) is to be split. Like a lot in The Mail, not necessarily to be believed.

Hate Days A Week

(Daily Mirror, 14 February)

An encouraging article for those anticipating matrimony from “The Mirror”. No wonder there are more people in the UK living together unwed than wed! Not that the British people have ever needed role models. Katy Price for Prime Minister now!

Help! I Need Some Money

(The Sun, 13 February)

What will Heather do unless she gets about £100m? Poor lass, forced to defend herself in court because of those grasping, money grabbing lawyers! Hypocrisy? Surely not! Maybe Heather consoles herself with a few large whiskies in the evening. One wonders how many it would take to get her completely legless.

Mucca: Let it be a £100m

(The Star, 12 February)

Will someone rid me of this unruly woman? Apparently Paul is so desperate to get Heather off his back he is willing to give her £100m. Mucca the Mug? Or the future target of a multitude of ex-soft-porn models come Johnny come lately vegan and anti-line mine activist. How he must wish she had put another foot wrong.

A Hard Day's Fight

(The Sun, 12 February)

Will The Sun ever get fed up of writing headlines to make the nation titter? I doubt it. However, they have a way to go with this one before it beats “Freddy Starr ate my hamster”.

With Legal Help From My Friends

(The Sun, 12 February)

Sir Paul gets tough with his lawyers. Poor bloke - he should never have bought Heather that plane for her birthday. No, not the flying type, the type you used to use in woodwork!

She's in Lexus With Me and … I Feel Fine

(The Sun, 9 February)

Heather's choice of car comes under scrutiny. She should be more careful when crossing the road if you ask me…

Love Me Don't

(Daily Mirror, 5 February)

The countless hours of poring over a list of the Beatle's songs, with a slight air of desperation, finally pays off for The Mirror. Really, chaps, show a little more creativity, please!

Hey Judas

(New Of The World, 13 January)

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Or a newspaper out to sell as many copies as possible. The News of the Screws hits out at poor defenseless Heather (well, she is representing herself…ouch!)