The warming of the Earth due to higher concentrations of carbon dioxide gas in the atmosphere is now accepted as scientific fact. Many scientists also believe that human activity since the industrial revolution involving the burning of vast quantities of fossil fuels, as well as deforestation and desertification caused by an expanding human population, is causing global warming. The effects of continued warming on the earth could be catastrophic, and each candidate has different opinions on how to deal with this threat.

Iraq:

With the war in Iraq now in its fifth year, and with over four thousand Americans killed and tens of thousands injured, not to mention potentially hundreds of thousands of civilian casualties, many Americans are growing tired of the war. Senator John McCain, the Republican nominee, supports an indefinite commitment of U.S. troops to Iraq. Senator Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee, supports a timetable for withdrawal of U.S. troops.

Iran:

Although both presidential candidates recognize that a nuclear-armed Iran would be a serious threat to peace in the Middle East, as well as in the world as a whole, they have different plans for dealing with Iran if elected. Senator Obama would attempt direct negotiation with Tehran before opting for military action. Senator McCain has been much more supportive of a direct military confrontation with Iran, siding with President Bush's strategy of unilateral sanctions and no diplomatic relations.

Healthcare:

Senator Barack Obama supports universal healthcare coverage for all Americans, although he would not make health insurance mandatory except for children. His plan includes a combination of private and public drug plans designed to give citizens a range of options to select the best-priced coverage. Senator McCain does not support a universal healthcare system. He opposes universal or mandatory healthcare coverage.

Immigration:

Senator Obama opposes deportation as a solution to the immigration problems in the United States. He has called proposals to deport 12 million illegal immigrants “ridiculous and impractical”. Senator McCain has repeatedly used the word “amnesty” to describe any policy that does not support removal of the 12 million illegal aliens in the United States. He has also supported the building of a fence along the Mexican border.

Sure, I would be under the constitutionally-mandated age of 35. But the current administration has already established that the Constitution doesn't matter when we're fighting a global war against unseen enemies. Besides, age has little to do with fighting terrorism. I have ample experience in that area. CounterStrike has given me valuable front-line practice battling terrorists. I could probably even take on Jack Bauer now.

I'm also pretty well-informed about public affairs. Our current president proudly says he doesn't read the newspapers. I do. And I can pronounce "nuclear," a word the next president will have to say even more often than this one.

You may be thinking that there's no good reason to vote for me. That's true, but irrelevant. The point is that there's also no good reason NOT to vote for me. I didn't choke my mistress, I didn't have sex with that woman, I didn't inhale, I didn't take any money from Jack Abramoff, I didn't extort money from defense contractors in exchange for my vote, I haven't been indicted for inappropriate fundraising practices, I didn't evade military service or claim too many Purple Hearts, I wasn't for the war before I was against the war, and I'm definitely not Mark Foley. Try finding another candidate who has done so little to offend your moral sense or your intelligence.

Well folks, there you have it. There is absolutely no good reason not to vote for me on Election Day in 2008. Just write in "Tom Copette" on your ballot and join the Copette Nation. Hey, it worked for the Colbert Bridge.